December 22, 2005 - How far we've fallen when the courts rule that lies and theories about the creation of the world can be taught our kids except for a theory that even smacks of the truth taught us by the very Word of God upon which our nation was founded. Whatever we got coming, our nation deserves. How hard they make it to pray for mercy for America. Oh that revival would sweep the land and bring godly fear back into the hearts of Americans again.

December 20, 2005 - So this morning I noticed how Paul made a reference to those who are "unskilled in the word of righteousness" as opposed to those who are skilled. I see this as a swordsman as, after all, the Bible compares the Word to a sword in a few places. That really stuck out to me and how I want to be a skilled swordsman, skilled in the Word of righteousness. The passage in Hebrews 5 goes on to detail that those who are skilled became that way by exercising their spiritual senses. By listening, praying, studying, ministering they fine tuned their spiritual ears and swordsmanship. Oh let me go on to the meat of the Word, to the solid food that the master has laid out on his table which He prepared for me in the presence of my enemies! Like the woman who said even the little doggies get the crumbs under the master's table, let me be at YOUR table, Lord, and no one else's. And more than just the crumbs (which pass up anything I've seen to date) help me get myself up into a chair and feasting on the true meat you have prepared for me; the things eye has not seen and ear has not heard, the things God has stored up (prepared, made ready) for me to partake. And as I learn how to wield a sword, to become skillful in the Word of Righteousness, teach me first how be safe with the sword that I may never strike down my own family unnecessarily. I am reminded of Rick Joyner's vision of the blinded so called army of God who shot arrow at the Christians that were bound by the enemy instead of the enemy. How tragic when the word of righteousness is carelessly used to mow down brother and sister. Sword play is dangerous unless proper safety is taught. The first lesson when learning to use a gun should be gun safety. We must learn gun safety before going on to target practice. Oh let my sword always be drawn to the enemy and not to my family.

A dream I had...last Thursday night/Friday morning needs recounting. At the time I didn't think it spiritually relevant, but after time has gone I believe it was. I had a small child, a boy. He was young and wasn't really talking a lot yet. It was hard to tell if he really understood what I said to him and he was just beginning to communicate with words. I saw him coming from the neighbor's house with something in his hand. He'd wondered over there and taken something from them. I was angry with him. I scolded him and marched him back over to the house. They had a table set up outside with party favors and such on it as they apparently had prepared for an outdoor party. I saw one of the places had a party favor missing, the same thing that was in his hand. I took it from him and put it back and said in a very serious and stern voice, "You can't take this. It doesn't belong to you." Then I asked, "Do you understand why it's wrong to take this?" and my little boy said he did. I was very proud of him because I knew he had gotten it. "I'm very proud of you," I said, and then, "I love you." My boy responded back, "I love you too," and my heart swelled with pride because this was his first complete sentence. That's pretty much it. The strange thing about this dream besides the fact that I had a kid was the way I treated him. It's unlike me to be so encouraging, to focus so much on the little thing he did right, and less on the big thing he did wrong. I was about to write the dream off until as I drove Brian my roommate to work the next morning he mentioned he couldn't sleep last night for thinking about P. I was surprised as he hardly knows P, but rather just has heard my heart for him and been around him at MYM a couple times. I asked what he thought about it all and to summarize, he said something like: "I was thinking about what makes him act like he does and what it is he's thinking. I remembered how my dad used to be so hard on me and everything I did wrong he would ride me hard for all the time.  He always picked out the bad stuff I did and go off on that but he never noticed the good stuff I did." I immediately thought of my dream and began to put it together. I tend to be focused on correcting what's wrong and seldom, like Brian's dad, compliment what is good. After all, if it's not broke don't fix it, right? Wrong. If all I ever do is talk about the negative and never praise the positive then they don't know which way is right. All they know is they can't seem to do anything right which can really get a kid down. So this is applicable across the board, but it was especially for me to know how to deal with a very particular one right now. And sure enough that very next night while I got to hang out with him for just a couple hours he did get in trouble with me. But because of that revelation that morning, I was quick to be patient with him and not focus on what he did wrong, but I did congratulate him and tell him how proud I was of the one little thing he did right - not lying to me about it (cause he's in the past been a notorious liar). It felt so right. I knew I was getting it :) Now, to make it part of who I am and what I do.

December 19, 2005 - Wow....life abundant. It doesn't necessarily mean life that's all roses. Mark Lowry said it well when he described life as a series of challenges and low points mixed in with victories and high points and life more abundant just means the valleys get lower and the highs get higher! This is war and war ain't pretty. This is Fatherhood and fatherhood is difficult to put it mildly. But I can't imagine anything more rewarding.    I've been so drained the last few days. My heart is given to Him but it's also given to them. And some of them are seriously breaking my heart. I'm afraid my heart may be too wrapped up in them. I mean should I be getting down when they are down and out? Or should I be able to see the bigger picture and in faith know it's ok and not get so disheartened by their struggles, hurt, fear, trouble, attacks... I feel it, you know? I just feel P's pain, rejection, fear, hurt, hatred, confusion, deception. I feel E's hurt and struggle as he feels hopeless against the curse handed down from his parents. I feel G's conflicting desire to want to push out of the chains that hold him tight and yet afraid to do it. It all weighs on me like lead. I stayed awake for what seemed like forever last night thinking and praying about P. I tried to just forget it all and be with Him at MYM 2 last night and it was near impossible to forget what's on the forefront of my mind all the time. And yet, Eli had such great wisdom this morning when he told me to quit striving...if God has put these in my life and given me the connections for a reason then I can wait for the time when I get to use those connections. Oh I stay ready for those opportunities. I hardly can see how I'd miss many opportunities as I'm constantly pursuing and watching for them like a man who's been at sea for months watches the horizon for land. But I have to quit worrying about it. I can't save them and I can't make these things happen. God is in control and in the meantime I have to make sure I'm not letting all this take precedence over my own relationship with the source of life. Oh Lord, my savior and redeemer, you hold all things in your hands. All me and all mine are yours forever. Never let me get distracted whether out of selfishness or out of selflessness. Let not even my love for others be stronger than my love for you....hmm..I actually think He's allowing some of this separation I feel from some of them for me to catch my breath and regain my identity apart from them again....what does that mean? That means it's tempting to say "they're my life" when in reality they are mostly only in my life for a season like it or not and are NOT my life. HE is my life. And any time I get into a tendency to confuse that reality, I need some time away, time to refocus.

December 6, 2005 - The student in trouble with his job is ok. I talked to him that night and he got in trouble but it's good. He even grew from the experience. He also had some insight on this harshness of mine. He recounted the first time we got to hang out how he noticed how I related to my spiritual son I had with me. He said I reminded him of his dad (not in a good way): "u taught him and lectured...like obi wan did to anakin.....that made him vader...like not in a good way..i was kind of scared u were goin to do the same to me...i didnt want that."  Wow, what a wakeup. How do I balance releasing my masculinity and not being afraid of confrontation and being frank like Jesus, and not coming across in such a way as to "unnecessarily frustrate my children" (Eph 6:4)? Jesus called one of his disciples satan at one point...but it was his most advanced disciple...even Judas didn't get called satan so maybe Jesus was conscious of how much confrontation they could handle at the level they were at. My dad is harsh when he corrects...he'd often in the heat of the moment raise his voice. I remember my mom would see how it would affect us kids and she'd try to help him learn to control that. I don't know if he ever did figure out how to control his harsh tones. My dad's problem is now my problem. He's nicer now in his old age, but I don't want to be an old man before I can control my tongue and emotions. I remember how i resented him in those times, times when I could maybe have learned something if he'd reasoned with me but in his harshness he turned me against him. I can't allow that to happen with my spiritual sons. Jesus, set a guard on my mouth!

Run, baby, run. My hands release you. How a father feels rejected when the sons he's been pouring himself into get to the point when they don't need him as much anymore. When the sons that have been feasting on what you have to teach them every weekend don't come over one day but rather have a Holy Ghost time by themselves and get their own revelation all apart from you...that can be a lonely day and night and a cloud of rejection hangs over your head until you realize you're not rejected, you're successful! Your offering to God is complete. You've given Him back the sons He entrusted to you and now they're not depending on you but on Him. They're not clinging to you, but to Him. They're not codependent on you but on Him. That's the true worship. It's not worship to keep those He entrusted to you in a codependency with you so you always feel wanted and needed. It's worship when in your sacrifice you've taught them to get to Him without you. Those days when they do that should be days of great rejoicing and in the quietness of my loneliness I can cheer them on, "run, baby, run".

December 3, 2005 - Yesterday I had some sort of almost panic attack...for about 3 hours when I was just about depressed with fears and worries about my career, my job, my future...just all kinds of things...thinking I'm a loser for just drifting along and not aggressively pursuing my career or goals. Confusion about whether to go to school for Bible or Education...and if Bible then where? Berean? Regent? Other choices? Anyway, it was a bad afternoon that day. Things are kinda shaky at West right now and my job isn't in danger really, but the comfort of my job is and I was worrying about what I would do if I were to lose that job or if I were to get too sick of it to stay.

Last night I think I was indirectly responsible for one of my students getting in trouble at his job...I brought some of my other students there to visit and they got him in trouble...I haven't been able to find out if he's ok or what...

This evening I hurt another of my students with that sharp harshness the Holy Spirit warned me of a few years ago. I see now why He confronted me with that part of my personality and demanded I work on it, because He was ready to start trusting me with young people and He knew that I would so easily hurt them with that attitude. Oh Lord, completely remove that garbage from me. Make me as gentle as doves. And yet...I've been getting another message about how it's ok to be a man, to confront, to not be "nice". Jesus confronted and was harsh sometimes in that...but this isn't the same...we're talking about a kid who's just getting serious about God who needs to fix a snot attitude and if I did need to confront him, it needed to be in private and with gentleness. He didn't deserve harshness...it was just an anger thing with me, a jerk reaction to his selfishness.

November 30, 2005 - Wow, the roommates paid for rent in full before the due date even came!! Awesome. Things are going soo great! I'm still having a blast with the youth...too many testimonies to tell...we had a meeting with the leaders last night and they're definitely hearing from God. And prayer is being so stirred up in this group that i'm almost finding it hard to not anticipate what's coming :) It's so exciting. Many of us are on a Daniel fast for 10 days. We're praying every night at 5:00 in the cafe. On Saturdays we pray at a school. In our hang out time I'm finding my time with the students is spent more on quality discipleship. Eli and I are having a great time studying Mark together. Garrett and I had a great heart to heart the other day and God is doing some great things in his life. I believe he'll soon be released to fly. Can I leave these and all this? Of course not! Unless it's totally God. Mark 1:

35 Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, He got up, went out, and made His way to a deserted place. And He was praying there. 36 Simon and his companions went searching for Him. 37 They found Him and said, "Everyone's looking for You!" 38 And He said to them, "Let's go on to the neighboring villages, so that I may preach there too. This is why I have come." 39 So He went into all of Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and driving out demons.

Just before this he had been in Capernaum and had already developed a very successful ministry there. He was very popular, he was effective, the people were hungry, and the work of the ministry was going strong. But He had a bigger picture in mind and when it came time to go, He left without hesitation. Lord, just help me know when it's time - no doubting. He defintely let me know it wasn't time when I had two interviews over Thanksgiving in Hot Springs. Neither of those churches were right. I could see myself there because I have a good imagination and a fairly positive attitude when considering options like that, but overall I knew that was not any where near worth leaving my students here for. So thank God for that :)

November 17, 2005 -

[14:46] Free101: so....to keep doing this graduate studies thing or not....
[14:46] Free101: the financial commitment and time consummation is overwhelming at times
[14:46] sambo112: yes..
[14:46] Free101: and the benefits...are questionable
[14:46] sambo112: ok
[14:47] Free101: I mean...I could get a lot of the same good information from the A/G Berean courses...
[14:47] sambo112: ok
[14:47] Free101: This semester off has been soo incredible - the time i've had for the students here
[14:47] sambo112: yea
[14:48] Free101: and I don't want to give that up - the summer semester was sooo consumed with the 1 course I was taking
[14:48] sambo112: yes
[14:48] Free101: and to see this thing through to then end we're talking about the price of a house and the age of 40 before I'm done...
[14:48] sambo112: yea
[14:49] Free101: the one course I took was awesome! and I've integrated that into my life and it's very valuable information a nd I look forward to more courses that do that for me - enrich m e personally
[14:49] sambo112: ok
[14:50] Free101: the degree is great to have - a masters in practical theology...looks great on a resume...gets me more money...
[14:50] Free101: and lends credibility to me
[14:50] Free101: But...are those motivations based on a lack of faith?
[14:50] Free101: hmmm..... ok. What do you think?
[14:51] sambo112: so your trying to climb the church ladder or do what really makes you happy
[14:52] sambo112: and you don't like your job but you do it so you can leave and go to youth group
[14:53] sambo112: either try to be a youth pastor because its what your called to do or because its all you know to do
[14:53] Free101: the idea was that a masters would help get me into the vocation I want to be in...
[14:53] sambo112: which is
[14:54] Free101: youth
[14:54] Free101: youth youth youth
[14:54] Free101: like a fire in my bones
[14:54] sambo112: so a church will hire you cause your "qualified"
[14:54] Free101: you mean without a masters so don't worry about i?
[14:54] Free101: it
[14:55] sambo112: well if you seek it so that they will hire you then that's the type of church your going to end up at
[14:58] Free101: the kind that wants intellectuals?
[14:59] sambo112: yea, and cookie cutter results
[14:59] sambo112: results
[14:59] Free101: hmm...ok... one other benefit of going this route was getting out of the AG...getting credits that were more ecumenical
[14:59] Free101: If I do berean I'm investing my future in the AG
[14:59] Free101: more than if I were to do Regent
[15:00] Free101: I'm already more than a little rubbed the wrong way by the AG
[15:00] Free101: so...I hesitate to put all my eggs in that one basket..
[15:01] sambo112: yea

November 14, 2005 - I'd love to go into the 1001 testimonies from the last several days....just can't...too much!! God has been sooo good. Ok, I'll give you some testimonies....some things that are seriously encouraging my heart...I can list them real quick: Eli, Jarod, Garrett, Phillip, Kelli, Justin, Brian, Jacob from work, and the list goes on and on and on of people who I've seen God just do stuff in this last week and watching them respond to Him is the most awesome thing I can imagine.

And what of me? I'm happier than I believe I've ever been. The more I pour out of me the more content I am. The less I live for me, the fuller my life is. It's incredible. Oh and the answer to the problem of putting them (the work, the students) before Him (my relationship with Him) is to remember that they're my worship. I don't do this for any other reason than to worship Him. Even let that be my motivation for what I do. It's all for YOU, Jesus. Yes, I love them and yes I have a blast being around them, but this is not my motivation. It's an act of worship and it's a blessing from Him that I get to do what I LOVE to do, or maybe that He helps me LOVE what I get to do :)  Either way, He stinking ROCKS!!

November 7, 2005 - My oh my what a great weekend!!! It's official now - I'm forever addicted to youth ministry. Never have I felt more fulfilled as I have poured out myself to the youth more and more.  I though I'd have to go to TN to find a bigger wineskin but somehow God has increased the capacity of the wineskin here... I'm more effective, I'm more involved, they trust me more, they open up to me more, even the fringe ones come. The last 50 hours have been with youth nonstop! I had Jarod and Eli over the whole weekend. Philip came for a few hours Friday night. Many others came and hung out off and on. It's indescribable, the intensity of my love and passion for their souls. And yet I must be careful for

1. putting the ministry before God. Loving this so much can cause it to become an idol to me. I must remember that I'll never have anything to give them if I've not been with Him first. And that can't even be my motivation. Oh may I always love Jesus first! May He be the first one I run to before any youth, or friend, or girlfriend, or my wife, or my children or any other relationship. He is my source and none other.

2. forgetting that it's all about HIM AND THEM and not about me and them. I love these connections He helps me make and I love how He's anointed and equipped me to build relationships with an age group so many others just find elusive and can't understand. But I can't allow these gifts to be used for myself. In other words as much as I enjoy them, it's not about me. They're there for me to point them to Him. And once that purpose has been served I have to be ready to let them go. Run, baby, run. My hands release you. This will only be possible if I keep that first warning above (number 1).  If He stays my source I'll be fine. If they become my source - my significance, my self-worth, my glory then I can't let them go and the whole thing becomes a self-serving hypocrisy.

And what about TN or Hot Springs? Who knows... I know this - I'm having the time of my life right now. And as frustrating as it is that I can't give my 100% to them because of my job, I'm not leaving here to be in the same situation with other kids. If I leave it has to be because of a next step where I get to pour 100% of me into it. In other words, a full-time position. I think possibly I was willing to go to TN and do there what I do here because I thought that might be more significant. But now what I do here is as significant to me than any big name ministry. That's the cost of being in the army He's raising up - not caring about your own advancement, name or fame. Nameless and faceless. Keeping my post whatever it may be and no matter how important or unimportant it may seem to the world. My search for significance has come to an end. I have found significance in the faces of these I love so much and if no one else ever knows or sees, it still just as significant because THEY are significant to HIM.

Moving on...Stephen indicates the restoration of the miraculous may be what God is wanting to do with this group. I'm so excited because for a time I've been somewhat frustrated at the lack of knowing where we're supposed to be going with this, where MYM is headed. It seemed as though we were treading water - just trying to keep what we've had. Now, if indeed this is God's leading, I have a vision and a goal to focus toward, to work toward, to pray for. So finally are we going to get the thing I've been asking God for for 10 years? I have reasoned with Him on many occasions about how can we do the things He asks us to do and we don't even have the ability to operate in the supernatural the way He did when He was on the earth. The scriptures say "greater things..." but we can't even heal a headache... As Stephen explained how he was healed a couple weeks ago and how that on MYM last Wednesday the authority for healing walked into the room and the Holy Spirit said to him that He wanted to heal Samantha and how that when we prayed corporately for Samantha's breathing problem that the power was so thick he couldn't stand up and how that Samantha's lung completely cleared up on one side and how that he felt this was something we can have on a regular occasion if we will pray for it...the Word in my spirit was that He has been anxious to restore to us the signs and wonders. And that I'm right in saying there's no way we can completely fulfill the calling of the great commission without them. But it was better to not have them than to have them and use them foolishly and selfishly. He has to have a people who don't care about their own advancement before He's willing to release this on them. We have to turn the glory to Him and be faithful to do that in little before we're given the opportunity to be faithful in more. May we hide our faces, and scratch out our names, and call ourselves nothing as we lift Him up more and more and more. To a people who have decreased and caused Him to increase will He give the restoration of the fullness of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit.

There's so much at stake...and yet last week I allowed myself to get so involved and busy that my prayer and even my devotional life were compromised. This week I know. I'm more resolved than before. Today fasting is much easier than previous Mondays. Actually I'm loving it. The storage/prayer closet has never been more inviting. :)

October 24, 2005 - Things realized today while before the throne:

It's sooo not about me. This time He revealed how that I've been selfish in my approach to the kids I minister to. I'm in danger of or perhaps already have valued their relationships with me above their relationships with Him. I'm supposed to be here to make sure their relationship with God is secured, but I've been enjoying the connections He allows me to have with them, I enjoy the appreciation, I enjoy the success in their lives, I enjoy the dependence on me, I enjoy them needing me, I enjoy them thanking me, I enjoy them wanting to be around me, I enjoy them looking up to me and loving me. And so I forget that it's not about ME and I approach this thing with the first thought being how can I connect with them more for myself and not as much for Him. I must be much more concerned with their relationship with Him and realize that my connection with them is only to serve that purpose. And when that purpose has been served and my time of sowing into their lives is done, I must be willing to let them go. It's not about me. It never was and it never will be. All the fun times, all the memories were for Him all along. Be willing to let it go - "run baby run. My hands release you."

I'm preparing a talk for Reveal and in part of that talk I go off on the biblical balance between the blessing of marriage and the blessing of singleness. I realized just now that marriage wasn't His original plan. The original Adam was created for God - Just Adam and God. Companionship. An exchange of love. Man and God. Marriage became part of His picture for mankind because by creating Adam in His own image, He created Adam with a need for companionship with someone like himself.  Because of this, He created marriage and made it in such a way that they could populate the earth and fill it with companionship. AT that point He handed the responsibility for creation of new life over to us, and as marriage is the way to fulfill that responsibility, marriage is very important. However, it's not necessary that everyone be married. And since that wasn't the original plan, then maybe singleness has certain blessings on it the Creator intended for us in the beginning, and the blessings will have to do with how we relate to Him. Like Solomon said, "he who finds a wife finds a good thing." He only said it was good - he didn't say it was best.

Jesus Himself said that not everyone can accept it when the disciples asked about staying single. And indeed people tend to get defensive when this subject comes up. Saying that singleness is a valid plan of God for some people doesn't invalidate those who are married like they missed out or made a mistake...of course not. Both are plans of God and both are valid options. The main thing is for the church to realize they need to quit trying to make a match all the time and leave those who want to be single alone! And to respect the call on that person's life and not limit them in ministry. 

October 9, 2005 – Am now on the way back home from Hot Springs for a second time in the last 20 days. I evacuated up here to escape the wrath of Hurricane Rita two days before my 29^th birthday. The evacuation was crazy but even though I guess the conditions were miserable, I was not. I love the Lord – that’s all I can say. Just me and Selah and the Holy Spirit in the car for 10 hours from Beaumont to Kirbyville. But the evacuation time itself was wonderful! It was so great to get to hang out in Hot Springs for a while with family I love very much but rarely get to see. I have not visited Hot Springs in a long time. Not much has changed but what has changed are my younger cousins who before were so young that they fell into that age group I don’t enjoy and don’t easily connect with, but now are in the age group that I’m wired and called to instantly connect with. Ben had been chatting online with me some the last couple of months and so I kinda knew how he had grow up past the little boy he was when I last saw him. When I got to hang out with him, a strong connection was immediate. I’ll do my best to continue to use that connection to grow him in Jesus, even from long distance. Marc and Mitchell are currently in the age group that my calling targets the most, and they are the kind of fired up teens that a youth minister lives for. What a privilege to be allowed to make a connection with such kids and to get to seed in such a promising investment. I’m surrounded by such a great bunch of teens in my family. I can’t believe how bright the future of our family is with such as these. I was privileged last night to get to attend a worship service that Lauran and Mitchell’s worship band did. I sat in the back worshipping with my other two nieces. Lauran did incredible. All my nieces are growing up in Jesus very quickly.

I have to talk about Mitchell a little as I not only connected with him on a teen level and fellow servant of Christ level, but we also connected very much on an even deeper level. His personality is such that we totally “get” each other. When I got to Hot Springs we were all congregating at Charlie and Jeannine’s house and I of course hung out with the kids. I kept trying to get Mitchell to play so me some of his songs. He had told me how he’d been playing at some gigs at coffee houses and such and that he loves that but his main thing is worship. Finally after much prodding he said he’d play if we got upstairs away from the adults (because obviously, though I turned 29 two days later, I was not an adult. YESS!!! I love it!). The rest of the kids followed us up there – Kelli, Lauran, Kari, Ben – and we all sat around on the floor while Mitchell began a song he’d written. He said it was kind of a prodigal son type of song. Even as he started strumming and explained the song a little, I was having Jason Upton flashbacks. Mitchell has Jason’s soft voice and tender spirit. He also flows more than sings a song and sings his heart to the Lord rather than go down a song list. YESS!!!! His song even sounded more like flow and I think he rather was flowing by the end of it. By flowing, I mean singing spontaneously, singing in the spirit, or a song of the Lord if you want to call it any of those. As soon as he began to play it was obvious this was more than a concert and I got comfortable on the floor and lifted my hands and worshipped. My wonderful other kids there followed suit and Mitchell continued to flow with some other stuff after his first song until we were all called down for dinner. The next day I spent the day at Jana and Donnie’s (Marc and Mitchell’s house). That night what was left of Rita caught up to us and there was fairly bad weather with tornado watches and flood warnings. I texted Mitchell as he was out with his girlfriend that he needed to come home as it was bad weather (really, I was just bored because the electricity had gone off and everyone else had gone to bed). He was home soon after that and came downstairs and woke me up and we stayed up and talked, prayed, worshipped for a couple or three hours. What a time we had! AT one point he even sang a song of the Lord that seemed at first to not be for me but the second half was definitely for me concerning not worrying about my future, my ministry, trust Him, and don’t worry about what comes out of my mouth praising Him but my life because what are my words really worth anyway. I asked Mitchell after it was over if that was for me or him and he thought the first part was for himself – which was perfectly in line with what I thought too. I’m telling you, the kid is hard core! All this happened a couple weeks ago. Since then I came back home for a couple weeks and this weekend I came back to Hot Springs to get the ladies who stayed evacuated. Mitchell called a couple times last week and one time just to talk about some things he had gotten from the Lord in the way of revelation. He said he felt comfortable talking to me about such things because I was a “mentor” type of relationship. Ha! YeSS!! I love it, but what a responsibility – to pour into such a rich field. I feel as Jason Upton’s early mentors must have felt….this kid is has way too much potential and calling on his life for me to be able to do anything for… He’ll probably pass me up in no time…I’ll have to redouble my focus to keep up with him!

What was also crazy about that trip to Hot Springs was how much like home the city felt to me. Tennessee still is a great option but as I’ve found myself envisioning the possibility of having my own small youth ministry somewhere I can’t get away from how attractive that seems. Jana has offered for me to stay there with them several times. That would be a very, very sweet setup if I were to get a youth ministry position in Hot Springs and stayed with the Owens’s. I have several people there keeping an eye and ear open for any potential positions there. But even beyond Hot Springs I’m so ready to just go that I have started looking at positions all over the country. I’ve not applied for any yet, but I’m just dreaming and seeing what the Lord might say about those dreams.

October 4, 2005 - I had a dream last night that was interesting. I don’t know that it was God inspired but there is some neat things to draw from it even if it wasn’t. I was a king in a large kingdom. I was a good king and my people loved me. Though we were not a Jewish society, we did celebrate Passover. In my dream it was Passover and the queen and I were being transported in our royal coach to the banquet hall where my people and I would celebrate Passover. First interesting thing that happened was in the coach on the way the queen and I knelt in prayer. I wore two pendants around my neck. One was a heart fashioned out of some red colored gem stone. It was somewhat opaque and it had the appearance of a glowing stone heart as if it were a burning ember. The other was an elaborate gold cross. The cross’s chain was laid carefully on top of the heart’s chain and it was also a good length longer than the heart’s chain so that it reached farther down my chest. As I prayed I took both the heart and the cross and I laid the cross tightly on top of the heart in my hands and I prayed this, “Lord, let my love for you always be greater than whatever else my heart may burn for. Whether it be the love of my people, the majesty, the luxury, the riches…may my love for you burn always brighter.”  Interesting prayer and I can say a hearty AMEN to that. 

Next interesting point is when I got to the Passover banquet I began to serve the people. Instead of sitting, in my royal place at the head of the royal table, I took off my cape and began to serve the people their meals and drinks and clear their tables. It was tradition for the royalty to serve the people at Passover (or at least it was in this dream, in this Kingdom…I have no idea if that’s the way it is in normal Jewish Passover or not). The interesting thing about that is at Jesus’ last Passover He was the servant – serving their meal and then washing their feet. “He who wants to be a leader among you must first learn to serve,” He said. What a blessing to me it was to serve my people as king and how it lifted their spirits to have me gladly and lovingly serve them.  

Yesterday I complimented Dusty twice on her servant’s heart. I wanted her to know it doesn’t go unnoticed. Maybe that’s the instigator of such a dream as this, I don’t know…But it’s a great reminder. Oh God, help me be a servant!!! I remember when I was a child and visiting my Aunt’s house in Hot Springs I overheard a conversation between Susan and Aunt J. They were talking about some individual in the church and Susan’s comment about that person was “they have such a servant’s heart”. That was the first time I’d ever been exposed to that terminology or even the idea of serving being a good thing. But I remember that at that moment even as an 11 or 12 year old, not even knowing Jesus, I wanted to be a servant.  

OK, switch topics now because I had another interesting day dream/vision type of experience while I prayed just now. I was reading in Job where one of his “friends” who always seemed to mean well was giving a very ill applied speech to Job about the hardships of those who forget God and turn their back on Him and how He will restore those who come back to Him. Well, of course we know Job had not turned his back on God and though what his friend said may have been true, it was viciously misapplied. We can become so religious and hardnosed spiritual that we become loveless and always just throw down spiritual laws and principles instead of being able to love someone through their grief. I prayed about that because I see how I’m headed on a road to being more spiritually intellectual than able to function with heartfelt love and compassion. I remembered the personality test I took that showed I have a good percentage of the personality that is very analytical and thinks things through very intensely and searches out what’s wrong or false. This can cause me to be primarily a fault finder and point out the wrong and be generally negative. I prayed about that, that God would help me not be like that and then I began to drift off and kinda daydream and I saw the following vision. I saw a person who is extremely this type of personality and he is very much known for his negative, sarcastic, views on everything church related. It seems every time you are around him, he has a new revelation on something else that is wrong about the way we do church, the way we pray, the way we worship, the way we think, the things we say, the things we wear, etc. This is kinda strange but I saw a bunch of people lined up facing him. Then I saw him kinda getting whipped in front of them, but the whip was verbal not physical. It was a recounting of the personality type which exposed the fact that his words were often nothing more than a fault of his personality and not the Word of God to people (even if the words were true). As each lash hit, the people who were lined up began to drop large burdens off themselves. It was as if they each carried heavy loads put on them and self-imposed because of this man’s words. Each time he’d have a revelation of what these did wrong and speak it on them in a condemning fashion, it would put another heavy burden on them and as they began to be released of his words they were free and light again. After I “woke up” I realized this was where I was headed. I’ve even already begun to put those loads on people with my condemning words about how the rest of the church acts. I use them with the good motivation of inspiring others to be better, particularly the young people around me. But the fact remains that a condemning word must be spoken in much fear and trembling and never lightly. “Let no corrupt word pass from your lips except what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearer. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”

September 24, 2005 – It’s 12:41 AM and currently my town is literally being blown away by hurricane Rita while I sit in luxury at Jana’s house and Charlie and Jeanen’s house in Arkansas. I have no idea what I’ll find when I return to Beaumont. Actually, I do but I refuse to believe it. I’ve prayed over my house and anointed it so I believe I’ll have a place to go back to. Jesus is able to direct winds away from my house and I believe He just may do that as I asked for Him to. But why is this happening? I don’t know for sure. But I did pray today of course, and at one point as I prayed I experienced one of those “you’re not done yet” moments and as I lingered to pray a little more I found myself praying that this seemingly tragic event would cause the unification of the Body in Beaumont to continue. A unity began at the hurricane Katrina event when we came together to take care of the refugees in BMT. I’m praying, and I believe that part of the purpose of this hurricane is to continue and further that unification.

September 9, 2005 - I'm so tired of the phrase that the generation before me loves so much: "We know God will win the war in the end." There are variations of the phrase such as "We know God will set things right in the end" or "I've read the last chapter of the bible and I know who wins." Of course this is a very true statement and in itself isn't bad. It's the attitude with which this is most often said that troubles me. Generations used this thought to comfort them about their idle sitting in church pews and not pushing to win the war. "After all," the unsaid thought continues, "if He has already won the war why am I fighting so hard?" And so we've had generations of pew warmers who did nothing for the Kingdom and all the while convinced that Jesus was going to come back in their time for such a sloppy and slothful bride. Right...

No, I am becoming convinced that Jesus will never come back until the church has won the battle. Yes, He wins the war, but there are battles to be fought and won in the meantime...don't tell me Christians always win the battle - I watch Christians lose battles all the time and most of the time it's because they simply refuse to fight! Take for example, the battle over division in the church (see the entry from August 30th). I don't believe he'll come back for a segregated Church (universal). And so we must have a generation that is willing to get off the pews and do something to win the battle over segregation in the church (racial and denominational).

How sad that most of our would be warriors are too busy watching TV or other meaningless hobbies to learn to press into God; too busy reading novels and going to movies to learn to wield the sword of the spirit. Isn't it crazy that the enemy has us so fascinated with fantasy and fiction and so unaware of the reality of the spiritual? Who needs Harry Potter when the spiritual warfare over your family is splitting your marriage up and putting your kids in mental institutions? Harry Potter will never teach you to take that lost battleground back, but the Holy Spirit can - if you'll spend some time with Him.

It's time the people of God learn how to advance instead of hold their ground. We have to learn to be on the offensive and not just defensive. We have to learn to take back ground that we've lost and more rather than trying to hold onto the ground we have (which has quickly disappeared in America over the last few decades). We can't even keep our armor of God on even though we have conferences and teaching and books galore on the subject. Now God is calling us to not only keep the armor on but to also learn how to wield the sword of the spirit, the sword of the Word of God. So I'll tell you how to keep the armor on - get in the war. People sitting on the sidelines find it easy to take that armor off, but people in the war can't live without it. Start getting hit over the head with the enemy's arrows and you'll be quick to put that helmet of salvation on. And as to wielding the sword, go to the master. Any great swordsman has to be taught.

September 5, 2005 - BMT is taking very good care of the evacuees here. I’m very excited to see how the churches (I hate to say that word in the plural now because I’ve become so focused on the singularity of THE Church, but John said it in Revelations said it so I guess I can) have come together here and worked side by side. Our church is actually partnering a lot with the big United Methodist church on Major drive!

I really believe the best time to be had right now in Beaumont is in Ford Park or any of the shelters. Your heart falls in love with these people at first sight. I got to pray with one young man who gave his heart to Jesus last night at our worship service at Ford Park and then talked to him for a long time after that – giving him his first Bible and doing some initial discipleship. He came to church this morning and as sad as losing everything seems – it’s the best thing that could have happened to this guy. He now has everything! You could invert Jesus’ true statement in this way – “What great profit it is for a man to lose his whole world to gain his soul!”

September 3, 2005 - The government and people of New Orleans have been largely caught off guard, and the result is catastrophic. How can one know that you live between two huge bodies of water and the area where you live is below the elevation of either body of water and not be prepared for a huge flood? The warnings, the logic, the common sense is ample and yet they were not ready. And because they were not ready they're lives are compared to hell on earth right now. Likewise we have ample warning that one day there will be catastrophic global occurrences when the enemy of our souls declares war on mankind and raises us all up in arms against each other and the Son of God finally comes to deliver His people and take back rulership of the earth. Hebrews 1:10-12 quotes Psalm 102 which says, "The heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but You remain; Like a cloak You will fold them up, and they will be changed." The whole Bible is full of the warnings of what's to come and Revelation is especially clear about coming global hardships akin to what's happening with the citizens of New Orleans - only when it's global there will be no Beaumont or Houston to retreat to. We should not be caught off guard. But we should be ready - found righteous, found obedient, found faithful and trusting, found solidly peaceful in Him.

August 30, 2005 - So about unity in the body. For about 5 weeks the Lord has emphasized little by little the importance of this. Damon Thompson said (I paraphrase because I’m quoting from memory) “It is an arrogant attitude in a youth group that says, ‘We’re going to take this city for Jesus’ because by themselves that youth group can’t take that city for Jesus. They need the help of the Baptist church and the Methodist church and the Assembly of God church.” Oh how we need the corporate body of Christ to come together again if we’re ever to do anything for Jesus beyond the walls of our own church or our own neighborhood. Anytime we dream outside that, we’re running into an area where we must have unity in the body. Jesus, through His Word, tries over and over to help us get this. 

In terms of the body of Christ, Paul expresses how important each member is to each other. How that if one member suffers, we all suffer (Romans 12, 1 Corinthians 12). Can you imagine the body of Christ all dismembered? That’s exactly the way we are and we’re too caught up in our own mini-Christian worldview to realize it. We talk about this body of Christ and that body of Christ. The Methodist church has a body and we have a body. Even within our own organization – the local Assembly of God body of South Beaumont and the local Assembly of God body of North Beaumont. We have to get over this nearsighted handicap. Jesus does not have many bodies, but ONE body (Ephesians 4:4). 

In terms of the bride of Christ, we have to stop making Jesus a polygamist. Jesus isn’t coming back for a harem of girlfriends, He’s coming back for one glorious bride. The Father gets to decide when His Son’s bride is ready and the Father is not going to say “son, go get your bride” while the bride looks like a harem. Do you hear the heart of Christ in his famous prayer for the well being of His disciples, “Father make them one as we are one.” (John 17:21)? That sounds pretty much impossible, doesn’t it? Jesus would never has asked for it if He didn’t think it was possible, and besides – with God all things are possible. Beyond that Jesus never asked anything from God that He didn’t get. Every prayer the man-deity prayed was answered or will be answered. Based on that I prophecy to you that Jesus will never come back for His bride until we are one. We wonder how in the world God is going to manage the various types of groups in heaven – is there going to be a Baptist section, a Catholic section, and Presbyterian section?? Is there going to be a Pentecostal section? NO! There is one section – the bride of Christ. BEFORE the rapture, the bride will be ONE.  

In terms of the Kingdom, Jesus explained clearly that a Kingdom divided will not stand (Matthew 12:25). Could it be that the reason the church has been so powerless for the last several centuries is because we are divided? Where is the great powerful Christianity that we see in the New Testament that spread like wild fire in the midst of tremendous adversity and overtook the earth? Where are the raised dead, the shadows that heal the sick, the massive angelic appearances and the Damascus road experiences? Thank God we’re seeing bits and pieces here and there, but I suggest that kind of Christian lifestyle went out the window the second the unity the early church experienced went out the window. We all need to take a step back and decide objectively who’s kingdom or what kingdom we are really building.  

How long has it been since I was broken over the condition of the Baptist church down the street or across town? When did I last cry out for Revival at First Baptist? When did I last cry out for a sweeping of the Holy Spirit to bring Revolution in the First United Methodist church down the street? Instead I focus all my prayers on Cathedral In The Pines because that’s MY kingdom.  

In fact we often actually take pleasure in the fallen condition of other groups because we feel it makes us somehow justified in our contention with them. For example, when the Catholics began to have trouble with the priest molestation scandals many protestants scoffed and shook their finger in condemnation and said “See, they’re not really Christians. They are reaping the just reward of their worship of Mary!” Vicious protestants. Are we so blind that we can’t see we are so intricately connected to our dear Catholic brothers that when they are scoffed and mocked we are also suffering?  

There is one faith (Ephesians 4:5). Anyone who puts his hope of salvation in the shed blood of Jesus for their sins is a Christian. We must come to focus on this and not on the doctrinal specifics that separate. When we finally do get this and live like it, the world will finally be drawn to our message. The Bible says they will know we are Christians by our love. Right now the main thing they see about how we feel about each other is contention, competition, division, jealousy, and bitterness. No wonder the world isn’t impressed with the message we speak when the message we live is so unattractive. When they see us overcome our differences and come together in unity THEN we will have something they will look at and say, “Oh they have something REAL! And I want it!”.  

Ephesians 4
2 Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. 3 Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace. 4 We are all one body, we have the same Spirit, and we have all been called to the same glorious future. 5 There is only one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 and there is only one God and Father, who is over us all and in us all and living through us all.

August 29, 2005 - Good talk with Rodney Moore today. I know how he has had to submit to God's will when it was very tough or difficult to discern. He had some good things to say. What really just made sense to me was that sometimes God allows the desire for the move to burn in us for a while. During that time our motives are tested and purified and we eventually get to the point where we can say "God I want to go, but if you want me to stay here for the rest of my life, I'll gladly submit to that." And he says that it's often at that point that God will then give him a release. As to the attachment that keeps me from being free to leave right now, he's experienced that. And when it's time to go, there will be a tearing away from that or a divorce of the emotional attachment to it. It makes a lot of sense and I feel better going with my plan to be here a while longer. Plus I got a blessing from someone I needed to get a blessing from to be released to stay a while longer too. But from the way my heart is tearing in two, I'm pretty sure I'll eventually end up there.

August 25, 2005 - I think I have a heart for what Trey is doing because I was there, I have a heart for MYM and student ministries here because I am presently here, and I have a heart for what's going on in TN because perhaps someday I will be there. But for now I'm more effective here and I'll stay where I'm most effective until that changes. It doesn't change the fact I have a heart for what's going on there. I was more excited all day about their first service tonight than I was about my own service tonight. I fasted and prayed for their service tonight. Yet I'm very much into what's going on here - especially at MYM. I'm so excited about connections being made here and hurt so for connections that aren't. God help those that still feel disconnected.

August 24, 2005 - I'm so ready for MYM tonight. Things have been moving so well with the youth. Stephen is doing an incredible job! He seriously became Drill Sergeant Sunday morning at intercession and each event with the youth that day was power packed! Serious ground was gained in Intercession that morning. That night God used me again by giving me a sense of direction at a certain point in the service. I shared it privately with Stephen and he gave me the mic and asked me to implement it. It was awesome. I so know it was God and again, I don't know what it means. I'm so used to being in the back. Three times at Reveal last Thursday I had this happen. It's been confirmed enough now that I'm getting more confident in it.

Speaking of confirmation, I'm so waiting to hear from God on what could be the biggest decision I've ever had to make for the direction of my life. Do I go or do I stay? If I go, when do I go and what do I do when I get there? This road forks in such a way that it will vastly alter the rest of my life depending on what I choose now. So this decision is too important to judge by circumstances like I typically use to made these decisions. I have to hear from God on this. And, wouldn't you know it, He's not making this easy on me. I think He's wanting me to press through to the answer. This I know - don't rush just to impress men so that you can get a better place in their eyes and increase your chance for success or position. If anything I've learned this year it's that not the favor of men but the favor of God will bless your life. If I've found anything that pisses God off lately, it's when I try to gain the approval of men!

Now about this generation, I notice that certain characteristics of this generation which seem to be the result of a problem are actually helping them fulfill what God needs this generation to do. For example, this generation is known for community among peers. They've detached themselves from family because family has failed them. So their friends are more family to them than their kin. This creates great bonds between each other. As it happens, in this day unity and koinea (spelling?) must be restored to the body of Christ if we're ever to be an acceptable bride. This could be the generation to do just that because of their high regard for connection with each other. If we can steer that to go even across denominational and racial lines we'll be doing real good. Another characteristic is their quickness to revolt against the system. They've seen that what their parents did didn't work and they don't want that. So the traditions and systems of men mean nothing to them, if anything they want to go against it. This is perfect as the need in the church today is a revolution, a revolt against the the systems and traditions of men (religion). How God has allowed this generation to be shaped so perfectly for the need of the day.

I was thinking the other day about spiritual war. I used to not like the part where Rita Springer would sing "I was made for war...I was made for battle, Lord" because I thought to myself, "No, that's not right. I was made for a relationship, for communion and fellowship. God never made me with the intention of having to suffer war." But now I'm seeing that it doesn't mean this was the plan from the beginning of creation, but it does mean that we are in an unfortunate circumstance where we are in a time for war and therefore the way we've been fashioned and shaped does equip us for this very thing. So yes, I was made for war. This generation is made for war.

I was also very sad the other day about the fact that I have no spiritual father or apostle to cover me. I'm of that generation that typically has nothing like that. May that trend stop with the generation I'm pouring into. I feel so inadequate to be that for another because I'm such an orphan myself, but I feel I must try to be the best spiritual father, and hopefully some day apostle, for the people God puts in my life as I can be so that some day they can in turn be a much better father and apostle than I ever was, and that the cycle would continue until the bride is finally what Jesus expects and deserves on His wedding day. 

August 22, 2005 - Yes, but at least Abraham KNEW that God has said "Go" before he took that leap...

August 18, 2005 - Hebrews 11:8 It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. 9 And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith – for he was like a foreigner, living in a tent. And so did Isaac and Jacob, to whom God gave the same promise. 10 Abraham did this because he was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God.

Umm yeah.

August 9, 2005 - Oh snap. Charity and I had a long conversation last night at Logon. We talked at length about dreams and future. I've tried to quit focusing on my discontent at this point in my life and just do the best I can do at where I find myself. But she asked the dreaded question - "Are you happy here?" I tried so hard to answer yes, but knowing the underlying discontent and feeling lack of fulfillment in life that's kept me moping around often (especially moping at work) I had to answer "I don't know".  Maybe it's the sadness over so many friends leaving right now, I don't know. But we talked about dreams and I don't have definite defined dreams. I leave a lot of that up to God. My main goal is to pour 100% of me into a ministry that I love, believe in, and is maximally effective. A revolution, apostolic type of ministry would be most preferable. And I'd love to be working with youth and/or college age. All this points to one place that I know of right now where I can pour into, and my mind kept going back to that last night. I don't know what this means. I thought I had put this to rest. Of course when I put it to rest, it was with the thought of "maybe later". Since I can't get it out of my spirit it may be more like "probably later". If this is the case I wouldn't be doing this for wanting to hang onto the relationships at hand which I'm so sad to lose right now. Those relationships would change anyway. People get girlfriends, get married and move on. Sam just recently "tied the knot" and over the last few weeks he's been much more aloof. Change like that is inevitable no matter where you are, so it's not the relationships I'd be chasing, but rather the purpose, the fruitfulness, the mission. So last night Charity asked me what my reasons were for not going. I replied with 3:

1. I have to be able to sustain myself somehow.
2. Us
3. The relationships I have here and now (Charity and Stephen) and the ministries I'm involved with allow me to explore my giftings and place in ministry where as the other option would probably dictate my place to certain organizational and helps type ministry and giftings. As ready as I am to do that, I think it's important to explore and practice the stirrings in me of late for other stuff.

Hmm...I don't like thinking about this stuff. I have a headache now. However, I must make one more note to myself from the conversation last night. She asked "how did you know you were supposed to go to Evangel?" Honestly, I didn't really know. I just narrowed down the best options to ORU and EU and took a flying leap toward which one seemed most right. I loved ORU and wanted to go there, but EU seemed to be calling me. I believe I made the right decision (if there was a right decision). The one big life decision I really regret is picking the computer science major and that was a decision I made not out of what do I want, but what makes the most sense, or is most safe. Not sure what that means, but it was interesting to think about. 

August 7, 2005 - Oh snap - the boys are packing. I may not make it through this. Naw, really I have so much to look forward to so I must be focused on that instead of letting myself get down about the boys leaving. I've ordered books for the next semester of classes and what great books they are! I'm looking forward to this class. I have a cool youth trip coming up next week to hear Damon and Eddie. Oh gosh, I just realized this is my last weekend to be with the guys here since I'll be gone next weekend. Crap, Crap Crap!!!  Oh well, next weekend they'll be packing more anyway so it'll be good for me not to be here to see that. Ok, what else do I have to look forward to? Oh yeah, I'm buying a house. That's exciting. I'm really wanting 16th St. I'm trying to get the sellers down to 71,500 with leveling. If they won't come down to that then I'm going to pass it up, I think. I had an unfortunate run in with a friend the other day. We started talking about a difference in our theologies and before I knew it he was making it personal and taking offense. It always heavily on me when a friend and I are having conflict. It puts pressure on my chest when I think about it. I kept trying to leave because I could see nothing was being accomplished by our conversation, but he kept drawing me back into the discussion. Lesson to be learned - just freakin leave.

August 2, 2005 - Disobedience. I'm so freaking tired of it. I spot it in the lives of others and often voice a warning. But how about in me!! OMG - I feel like such a loser sometimes when I know the things I'm praying for and waiting for will never be able to happen until I'm obedient, and yet I blatantly refuse to do what I know to do sometimes. Gah!! Thank God that even Paul, in his apostolic anointing, still felt this way. What a hope it gives, yet a frustration. If Paul still felt this way, it seems maybe I'll never be done with this until I'm done with this body of flesh.

July 30, 2005 – Headed home. Good times. Good memories. Good new friends and old ones. Good tans. We went to the beach yesterday around Bradenton and there was nothing but dead fish in the water and on the beach and a stench that would choke a donkey. And the red tide also made us cough a lot. Needless to say we didn’t stay. After trying 3 beaches with the same result, we ended up at the pool at Stacy’s grandparents’ community. It was nice. I enjoyed Charity's friends a lot. Andrew and Stacy are awesome, down to earth people, and easy to relate to. Pastor Jeff and his family are great fun. He is a very perfectly put together and is a great model in many ways. His kids are a blast to hang with – very well mannered and pleasant. Tiffany is fun and very hospitable. Now it’s back to real life and I’m ready. I have to get rent and pay that in the morning, find a house to live in, and say goodbye to some very dear friends. I still dread that, but at least their departure is surrounded by so much activity so that it’ll take my mind off of it some.

July 28^, 2005 – Great vacation!! It was so good to hang out with Brent, Michaela, and Tzoe again. Quick memory lane rundown (if anyone besides myself is reading this, skip to next paragraph because this will be incredibly boring): drive was long but nice, saw some old friends from EU at Brent’s house (Steve Gause, Jason Brunner), Brent grilled (brunt) some burgers, we put peanut butter on Tzoe’s tail end and she chased it around in circles, played catchphrase, watch Napoleon Dynamite; Saturday we went to Vero beach on the Atlantic side and that was great fun (body surfing); Sunday service was nice, we cooked a great meal for them (honey mustard glazed chicken, risotto, asparagus, Chris’s brochette,  and cheese cake for desert, then we went to Bradenton to visit some old friends of Charity’s; Monday hung out mostly, swimming in the lake, playing with Tzoe at the park, Tropicana visitor’s center (remember – get some cran ruby red), mall, bowling, then Monday night we preached at Brent’s youth service and that went real well; Tuesday we had breakfast and left, but not before we made Brent a tacky shell frame to put our picture in and hung a Napoleon Dynamite poster in his room, then we arrived in Lakeland and met with Charity’s old friends: Tiffany, Andrew, and Jeff. We played with Jeff’s kids at his home then Chris and I left for a Red Sox vs. Devil Rays game. Red Sox won in the 10^th inning and it was great fun!! Wednesday was a slow, relaxing day. We slept late, did great devos, went to Beef’s for lunch, watched War of the Worlds in the theater, went to the youth service, hung out with Tiffany and her friends after service (went to Starbucks, a very nice park, and home to watch Hitch where I fell asleep in the first 5 minutes). So far today has been another slow day, sleeping in, devos, etc.

This church has 4 staff just for the youth department which isn’t a whole lot bigger than Cathedral’s! And yet the service I went to not even as good as one of Jeremy’s services. The video was kinda cheesy and irrelevant, the announcements were long and drawn out, and the worship team wasn’t all it should have been. They kinda looked not in love with Jesus as they sang. However, the kids made up for it. Once we got past the dumb meet and greet time, the kids really got into it. Many of them worshipped at the front. The sermon by Jeff was real good and many, many students responded to the altar call and of those who didn’t, many went to the front and worshipped during that time. I was impressed by all that. Very nice!

July 18, 2005 - So Pastor Kitchens announced today he's leaving CITP in two weeks. And so continues the changes. This is certainly a time of change and though parts of it are hard (goodbyes) I love it!! I love knowing I'm not stuck in a rut and God is doing and molding and shaping and steering. I sure can't sleep tonight. It sure is 12:45 and I sure have to be at work early tomorrow and I sure can't sleep. I sure do have a lot on my mind. I'm excited that Charity and Chris and I are headed to Florida this week!!!! But before that I feel like I have a lot to do. Immediately after I get back, I'm going to start aggressively pursuing this house on 16th St. It'll be my first house and it's soo great! I've got dreams and visions for this place running out of my ears!!! OMG I'm so excited about it.

Stephen started his first day as youth pastor today. I think it went very well.

I think I failed to talk about here the great stuff I got from Romans 8 the other day: basically I'm blown away how that the "creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed." I think of not only the nonhuman creation, but I also think of all the human creation - the drug addicts, the hopeless, the suicidal, all waiting on us - the people of god - to become the people God's called us to become. There's something about the phrase "Sons of God". It's more than just being a Christian. It's worth some study, I think.

July 10, 2005 - Tonight was the goodbye service for Jer and Michelle. I'm so very sad to see them go. I've been regretting lately not taking more advantage of him while he was here. I could have been a much better friend if I had tried a little harder. I'm so excited about what they're going to do. And I'm glad our youth get to help and those graduating next year and excited about going too. This is so great for them!! Incredible. It's a very sad night though, for those not going away; or at least it is if we don't keep the bigger perspective in mind. Too easy it is to focus on our "loss", on the pain of separation and the uncomfortablness of change.  However, if we consciously make the decision to see as God sees and keep eternity in our perspective, it's not so bad. We see we're all still on the same chess board, God's just making a move and so some of the pawns aren't right next to each other anymore. But we'll all end up together again when the game is won and over.

July 7, 2005 - So Jer is leaving in 2 weeks to begin the Ramp in TN, and right now my decision is to stay put until God shows me more clearly what to do. I've fasted and prayed and so far no confirmation that I'm to leave. I know that the ministry there will be incredible - I KNOW! It's weird because here I hope for great things - there I KNOW great things are coming. There I have a heart for what they're all about. Services like we've had the last two weeks in MYM are so the most incredible I've been in, much like the Ramp. Those services are full of purpose, destiny, wall-breaking, life-changing power! So not the typical church service where we're just doing our church thing and social hour. So if my heart is with them and my faith is with them then why am I not with them? Jer said that one thing he does to test the will of God is take a step in a direction and see what happens. If things starting opening up and making way then it's probably God's will. I see truth in that, but I can also see how it might be that doors close because the enemy doesn't want us there and in those instances it would be necessary for us to KNOW that God has told us to go so we can authoritatively tell those doors to open and they will (paraphrase from something Joel said once). But at this point I'll try anything, but how do I take a step in that direction? I searched the internet a little for a job there, with no luck. But then that shouldn't be indicative of anything because the point of going there is to do ministry - not find another waste-my-life telecom job. The only thing I think I've picked up in prayer about this is that if I were to go, I'd be pretty much an Ed for Jer: running around in the background and organizing, fixing problems, doing book keeping, etc, etc. And I'd love to do that - I'd much rather serve a ministry that's changing lives like that than to be serving behind the scenes for a Teleservices company!! At least I'm counting for the Kingdom, you know? I would probably even be satisfied with that as long as I feel I'm where God wants me and am most effective in that role. However, here with Stephen in charge of MYM and Charity in charge of Reveal I'd be much more free to explore the gifts and authority I've been feeling stir in me lately. In the long run that may be a more effective situation.

It's amazing to me how that God has brought a new anointing and a new authority on Jeremy the last several weeks. I think it's more than just confidence coming from knowing he's in partnership with Karen, and knowing what the future is now. It's pretty apparent there is a new level of anointing on him because God is preparing him for TN. Like Charity said, "God is getting him ready for something bigger than himself. Something that he can so do…with God’s help. That is going to take a new anointing. Yesterday’s wine skins and wine won’t work for what is about to transpire in Tennessee." It's such a testimony to me to watch God do that. It's so true what I preached to the kids at Chrysalis - "God doesn't call the qualified, but he does qualify the called!" Certainly God is qualifying and equipping Jer now for what's just around the corner. How fun to watch that and to benefit from it these last few weeks and hopefully benefit from it at future Cleveland Ramp conferences!!

Meanwhile, I put a final offer down on the house yesterday. I told her that was the best I could do and if she gets a better offer to let me know so I can "put the file away". I hope that wasn't too rash. I'm really wanting that house. Mostly just so that I can rest knowing where I'm going to live in a month and a half! She had another interested buyer there when I dropped by with my offer! Though he hadn't made an offer yet, he was obviously interested if he was sitting in her living room. I shouldn't be looking at the circumstances, though. I drove by the house this morning praying about it.

Summer Reveal Road Trip 2005

Roadblocks in my journey:

1. Temptation – in my thoughts
2. praise of man (the desire for it) – getting better
3. Selfishness – wanting things my way, MY life. Realize it’s His life through me.

Only He can overcome my roadblocks. I can’t. Trying to do it alone is a roadblock in itself.

My gosh, we just got done with evening vespers. The Spirit so moved in worship and then in passion as Stephen brought a word and He is still here. Oh my! So, God waits to prepare us with the absolute best weapons available – His weapons. His Armor. But we have so many iron in the fire as we try to fashion our own swords. It won’t work!

In worship, Charity had us give up something we have been holding on to. I don’t know what to give up for a long time until it occurred to me that I need to let go of my present situation. I’ve been so upset about Sam and Chase leaving in a couple months. I’ll miss them so much but I need to let it go and be ready for the next big awesome life situation.

July 4, 2005 - Almost a whole month since my journal entry? Or do I have another, more private journal I've been using for some time?? :) 

TV Shows - American Idol(atry). I mean the name says it all. Even the heathen who came up with the name of the show know what it is, but the church seems oblivious. OK, maybe this one show isn't THAT bad, but certainly it unashamedly taunts the attitude in America. It's the attitude that says, "Entertain me and I'll worship you." Don't believe it? Just look around and ponder that for a while. Who gets paid the most in our country besides Bill Gates? Movie Stars and Sports Stars. Our Biblical ancestors got in trouble with God for worshipping the "stars", how will our idolatry be any different?

The church needs to learn to go grocery shopping in God's Kingdom. I remember an old poem from long ago about heaven's grocery store. it was a clever poem, but kinda dumb too. The idea, though, is true. We don't know how to come to God and leave with what we need. We don't know how to get our answer, our healing, our deliverance, our family saved, our leading. I remember learning how to get my healing a couple times and that was a crazy awesome experience. I believe it can be as simple as that. The sad thing is, the church doesn't know how to do it so they make up theological reasons why it doesn't work. (editors note: I know there are times such as with Paul's "thorn in the flesh" when we don't get what we WANT. I'm talking about Christians missing out on the blessings and life God wants them to have because they don't know how to pray.)

The other day I was sitting in one position too long on the sofa and my right leg fell so hard asleep that by the time I realized it, the leg was far, far gone. It hurt really, really bad and I dared not even try move it much or it hurt worse. I certainly couldn't stand on it. All I could do was massage it until the blood flowed again for a while. The body of Christ is like this. Sometimes some parts will stay put too long in the same position until they fall completely asleep. It hurts the rest of the body and the body is crippled because of the useless part not doing its job. They rest of the body can help out by coming alongside that sleeping member and massage their spirits until they get hooked back into the vine and the blood starts flowing again. (sorry I mixed the body and vine analogy. hope it wasn't too confusing).

Yesterday I thought I was feeling in my spirit a change in season ahead. Specifically I felt that in my personal life a dark, dying to self time was heading my way as soon as I bought my house and moved. After Jeremy and the kids move to Tennessee. Then I realized that it's probably not so much a Holy Spirit premonition as just my bad attitude on everyone leaving - dreading the hole that will be produced when they're gone. Hole in MYM, in Reveal, in my home, in my life. My bad attitude on new roommates that will not be nearly as fun as Sam and Chase have been, who I won't be nearly as close to. My expectation of loneliness. Yeah, that dark time will come if I keep this attitude, but unlike a God ordained season of trials, this self-imposed dark season can be averted if I shake off this dread and enjoy the experience of buying my first home.

Last week I was an emotional wreck and sitting on pins and needles. What had happened was:

1. I found a house I wanted and began to pursue it.

2. In my mind, the house represented a long term commitment to staying in Beaumont because I figure you don't just buy a house and turn around and sell it - it's at least a 2 yr commitment.

3. Being that I have been wanting to get out of Beaumont and into ministry for the last 4 years or so, I  really, really want to go to Tenn with Jeremy and help start up the Cleveland Ramp. But in my spirit I don't feel like I should be leaving. So I had been comforting myself with the idea of "well, I don't have to know and move to Tenn for some time. Who knows, maybe God will give me the green light to move to Tenn in the fall or next spring." But with this long term move in Beaumont I felt like I was kissing the Tenn. option goodbye and committing to living in BMT and staying in my current situation for a long time.

4. Ergo, I freaked out. Staying put is a very hard thing for me to do right now. I was in tears over it. Fasting and praying and kinda annoyed with God for not just telling me clearly what He wanted or what is best.

5. Sam called me one day from work to tell me that the house thing really isn't as big a deal as I make it out to be. I can sell it the same week I bought it if I wanted to. He told me how Beaver did that when they bought a house just before God called them away. That made me feel much better. I can go ahead and do what I feel in my spirit right now and not worry about missing my boat.

June 8, 2005 - One story from the retreat at the lake. We were going to bus everyone across the lake to a little sandy beach area. It's visible from the cove where the lake house is, but it's definitely in the distance. Well, there was a paddle boat there at the dock that we were allowed to use. Charity and I went out on it Saturday morning just the two of us and it was a nice ride. So I thought it'd be a fun time to get another couple people who can ride (it's a 4 seater) and we could make it across the lake to the beach in the paddle boat if we switched off paddling. Well everyone else took off in the motor boats and we were left to start out on our adventure - me, Charity, Jennifer Reyna, and Chris Harrington. Such an interesting trip because Jennifer can't swim and she wouldn't even step into the water to walk out to the boat - Chris had to piggyback her to the boat! Then we started paddling and the boat would not move! Apparently the extra weight in the back and the wind and waves working against us was enough to make our paddling completely fruitless. We paddled and paddled and stayed in the same spot. We would never have gotten out of the cove except Charity finally jumped out and started pushing the boat while she swam! So here we go, finally leaving the little cove on our big trek across the lake. We began to make decent progress when two people swam behind the boat pushing and the other two paddled. Until...we all began to give out about halfway across the lake. It was interesting how we all took turns getting discouraged and giving up. When one person would get too tired and think they couldn't swim/paddle anymore and look at the great distance yet to go and say "this is not going to work" another person would get a wind and encourage them to "keep going, we're going to make it." I remember I was determined at first but when we all lost our steam we stopped moving and we stayed in the same general area paddling in vain for a long time. I said to Chris who was the determined encourager at that time, "you have to pick your battles and decide which are worth fighting. This isn't worth fighting." It sounded good, but if he'd listened to me it would have spoiled our dream. You see, we dreamed big. yeah, maybe it was a little too big, but since we had dreamed it and started out on it, we couldn't quit now. Then Chris finally caved in and realized that we hadn't moved and everyone was pooped and he finally lost resolve and said we needed to just turn around. Like I had been saying, if we turn around now all we have to do is just lay in the boat and let the wind and waves carry us leisurely back to shore and we can just enjoy the ride. But Jennifer became the insister for a long time. The chick who couldn't even swim was pushing all three of us to finish what we'd started. The story goes on and on but eventually we made it. We turned the boat around backwards and paddled backwards which helped a lot. And as we got past our halfway point we were encouraged. And when we hit shore on the other side it was so worth it. Everyone was pooped. Charity had literally worked herself to the point of exhaustion. If not for the life jacket we might have had to rescue her as she couldn't even exert the strength to get back into the boat. The moral of this long story is that if not for the team work we would have never made it. If not for somebody at all times being on their game and keeping the dream alive for everyone and helping everyone stay focused we would never had made it. Likewise, in the body of Christ we are a team. no lone player in this will win. When I'm down and out of steam spiritually I'm thankful for brothers around me who will encourage and push me. and when people around me are out of steam then it's my turn to push them. We've dreamed big and the road is long, but together and only together we'll make it to the other side.

June 7, 2005 - Been a while and for good reason. I'm busy! Loving school!! I was working on an assignment last night making observations from Mark 4 and I stumbled on a little secret theme behind the face value of the text about hearing and listening and about concealing and revealing. OOOOh my! Go study Mark 4 for those words and ideas and you'll find something mind blowing.  Reveal just had its weekend road trip to the lake and man, oh man, what a great time!!! Plenty of folks came and had a great time! What a remarkable thing to watch several of them get touched and broken by the Spirit. One friend of mine who thinks Jesus is a jerk surprised us by coming and he seemed to have a great time. Came to church the night we got back, too, on his own volition. Might have something to do with a nice young lady he's befriended at the church... Speaking of connections it was great to see how varied the group that came was and how connected everyone was by the end of the thing and how everyone got along so well with each other.

June 5, 2005 - Roadblocks in my Journey: 1. Temptation. Especially to let my thoughts get away from me. 2. Praise of man. Although this is much improved. 3. Selfishness. Wanting stuff my way, my life. I need to realize it's His life through me.   Only He can overcome my roadblocks. I can't. Trying to do it alone is a roadblock in itself.

My gosh, we just got done with evening vespers. The Spirit so moved in worship and then in passion as Stephen brought a word and He is still here. Oh my!!   So, God wants to prepare us with the absolute best weapons available - His weapons, His amour. But we have so many irons in the fire as we try to fashion our own swords. It won't work!   In worship Charity had us give up something we've been holding on to. I didn't know what to give up for a long time until it occurred to me that I need to let go of my present situation. I've been so upset about Sam and Chase leaving in a couple months. I'll miss them so much. I need to let it go and be ready for the next big awesome situation. Indeed life with Jesus is full of such changes and demands extreme flexibility and willingness to let go and reach ahead.

May 23, 2005 - Well, I got what I wanted this morning. I woke up about an hour early this morning and instead of going back to sleep I got up and spent time with the Lord. It was great and I feel so good in my spirit today. Whether it was the Holy Spirit waking me up for that purpose or not, I can't say for sure. But regardless, I took advantage of it and we spent time together and that's what matters. Beyond that I had a strange dream last night. Several of my younger friends and I from MYM seemed to be on a journey together. And the most rememberable part of the journey was at the end of the dream when they started getting some kind of contagious disease. It was a horrible disease and fatale. There was supposedly medicine to help the disease but it wasn't available. We had lost several of my friends already. I remember losing Chase. While the sickness slowly killed him, it turned his face beet red as he lay helplessly in bed with nurses constantly wiping his swollen hot face with wet cloths. I remember Rachel Brocato was too far gone to save. Once they got to a certain point in the illness there was absolutely no hope of saving them and Rachel had reached that point with her face red and swollen. And then Sam caught the disease and as he lay in bed slowly turning red, on his way to the point of hopelessness I finally turned to God and cried out as I felt so helpless to do anything. Immediately after turning my attention to God I received His word and understood that the reason I'd been unable to save my young friends was that I had not been praying for them. I immediately realized how futile it was to hope and hope for the arrival of the medicines and never turn to the greater source. Whether this dream was from God or not I can't say for sure. But it certainly does fit my situation. I'm ashamed at how little I pray. I spend so little time in His presence that the time I do spend I usually can't get past praying for myself, for I feel so dirty that it takes time to get myself to the point where I feel like I can do some real intercession on behalf of others. Needless to say, this morning during this prayer time for which I'm so thankful I did spend time in prayer for many of my younger friends. May it not be a one time thing.

May 22, 2005 - I thought for a while the Lord wasn't speaking to me the last couple weeks and thus I've had nothing significant to put in my journal. But on reflection I see I have been getting stuff from Him, just not recognizing it or maybe too lazy to write it down. To start with here's a quick clip I got from my studies on the first chapter of Mark:

Over the course of looking closely at this passage I got several things from the Lord. One of the most significant is how focused Jesus was on His mission. He had great success in ministry there in Capernaum, but He didn’t allow that to keep Him from going on with His mission. When we have success in one place we want to stay there and enjoy it. However, just because we’re having success in one place doesn’t mean it’s God’s will for us to stay there.

I also have to mention how important it is that Jesus spent time in prayer early in the morning in vs. 35. After a long day of very significant ministry Jesus remembered what His source was and retreated into His prayer time for a while. Perhaps it was this time of prayer that gave Him the Father’s heart for His next steps – not to stay but go to the other towns. May I never forget my source, and may I always take time each day like Jesus did so I also will know the Father’s heart and will for each day.

Now besides that I had recently become a little disturbed that my romantic relationship has been heading down the road of shallowness. It's seemed to be all about "us" lately and that's exactly what I don't want to happen. I've noticed that when I want to talk about God and deeper things or the scriptures I turn to my friends like Sam, Chase, and Stephen but never my girlfriend. This is really dumb because the reason I'm dating her is for her spiritual maturity and passion which makes her a great person to talk to about things like that. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what's wrong, but it seems the relationship has been slowly shifting toward "us" instead of Him. It's seemed based on neediness of one another instead of a team mentality working for the Kingdom. I don't like that so in effort to fix that I asked the other day via email what God's been speaking to her about. She brought to my attention Psalm 84 and it's been speaking a lot to me since then.

Psalm 84. I have been feeling distant from Him lately - or at least compared to the intimacy I long to feel with Him (I can't wait till soaking time at church tonight!) and this Psalm starts out with this sort of longing and realization of how beautiful His presence is. And how the writer envies those who find themselves in God's presence - just like me, as I have envied those this last week who talked of spontaneous sweet times with Jesus this week - Charity getting woke up by the Holy Spirit at 5 in the morning for a long time of sweet communion, Stephen falling into His presence alone with Him for a long time the other day. Oh I long for those times. "Blessed are those who dwell in your house, they are ever praising you." Selah!! Then it goes on to talk about those people: 1. He is their strength. 2. their heart is set on pilgrimage. Oh how I love a good journey. My favorite kind of story is a journey motif. My favorite Chronicles of Narnia book is A Horse And His Boy because it's a journey. And I love my own journeys. I look back and the fast pace of my own journey was so much fun going from youth to college to south Dakota to adventures in Montana and lots of smaller journeys all in between. And now it seems my journeying has ended. I'm in Beaumont and have been some time and, it seems, will be for some time. This is a reason going to Tennessee with Jeremy seemed like such an attractive option - for the journey, the adventure, the search for significance. But this Psalm spoke to me about my journey and how my spiritual life is a journey, even a more important journey and it doesn't require geographical relocation. It's a spiritual relocation from glory to glory, from one level to the next and the next and the next. My heart is set on pilgrimage. I will not stay and reside in the same place. I am a spiritual pilgrim. And then it talks about how these people, who are ever in His face, make the valley of Baca a source of spring water. Two terms to get here. 1. Baca is weeping so the valley of "weeping" is a difficult place, a painful experience. 2. spring water in the OT is symbolic of refreshing. In the wilderness and in Israel if you find a pool or a well you are happy about that. It's survival. If you find a spring that's very exciting - it's a fresh cool running water and it brings great refreshing. Now this spoke so deeply to my heart because I've recently experienced a time when the valley of weeping was so refreshing to me! How to explain such a conundrum? Sounds crazy, but that's the Kingdom. It doesn't make sense a lot. It's just that I'm sooo blessed and the valley of Baca doesn't come to me very often. I'm thankful for that. But God doesn't waste a valley when it comes to me. Each valley is a place of refocusing, drawing closer, rerecognizing my dependence on Him, a place of humbling, and of getting rid of stuff in my life that I could never deal with without the valley. The painful experience is such a sweet pain when He is in control and it brings a refreshing. that was so real to me during the last valley - I actually felt like I was on a mountain even though I was in a valley and I was breathing in a long deep breath of fresh mountain air and stretching my tired self out on this beautiful mountain top. Yet I was in the valley. Go figure. That's Jesus.

There's more good inspirations that came to me while watching Star Wars III yesterday. I know that's corny, corny, corny, but I can't help it. If that's what inspires me then I'll take it where I can get it. But it's time to go to church now and I don't have time to write about it now.

May 11, 2005 - Oh that God would put a guard over my mouth as the psalmist says. It's so important for a man in Christian leadership to have sweet words and not unnecessarily harsh. My dad had a harsh tone to his voice at the drop of a hat and it not only hurt but it scarred. If I'm to be a father figure to many, I have to get that tone which I inherited out of my voice and out of my spirit. And I have to be careful not only how I say thing but WHAT I say. I so easily offend. May it never be again, or else I may offend many from the pulpit! An example Jeff Lucas used was a comic saying he used to use about his first sermon: "There were only three old ladies and a dead cat in the congregation that heard it." Yes, that comment would make most of us laugh, but what about the old ladies in the audience? Would it make the feel insignificant? I have to be careful to consider how what I say is going to be taken by the hearer. It's not enough to mean well...

May 3, 2005 - Man what a great time Joel, Sam, Michael, Stephen and myself had at breakfast this morning just sharing what God's been speaking to us about lately and the scriptures that's been stirring in us. One of the topics was favor. The favor of God and how it's been so evident in Joel's life and how God's blessed him so in his job and everything. The same with Stephen. I realized after I left there and was driving to work that I pray all the time for favor but 95% of the time I'm praying God gives me favor with other people. Even though He's answered this prayer, it's not gotten me nearly where favor with God has gotten Stephen and Joel. I'm praying the wrong thing and it shows once again how I've put more trust in man than in God. LOL What a nut I am to be praying first for favor with people and then when I think about it say "oh yeah, and God, help me have favor with you too."  Once again I hear the Lord's demand, "PUT NO MORE TRUST IN MAN!"

May 2, 2005 - How blessed we are to live in the new covenant. I was thinking during worship yesterday about the beauty of the covenant we live in. In the old men like Moses tried to intercede for the people and sometimes they were successful. Now we have Jesus interceding for us and his blood is his main "argument", if you will, on our behalf. Just like the blood of Abel cried out from the ground so Jesus' blood cries out to God on our behalf.  There was more to this line of thought but I can't remember it now :(  I should have written it down. There was more that I hadn't seen or realized before.  The fear of men robbed me of it as I was afraid of watching eyes and decided it'd be too conspicuous for someone on the front row to sit down during such great worship and start writing.

April 26, 2005 - Wow, God is really putting His divine foot down on something in my life. I hear Him demanding very loudly into my spirit Isaiah 2:22 "PUT NO MORE TRUST IN MAN". And what a cloud of confirming witnesses there have been about that these last few weeks too.

1.) Look at these scriptures that have been stirring me lately:

Put no more trust in man,
who has only the breath in his nostrils.
What is he really worth? --Is 2:22

How can you believe, who receive honor from one another, and do not seek the honor that comes from the only God? --John 5:44

Thus says the Lord: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord.
6 For he shall be like a shrub in the desert, And shall not see when good comes, But shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, In a salt land which is not inhabited.
7 "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, And whose hope is the Lord.
8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, Which spreads out its roots by the river, And will not fear when heat comes; But its leaf will be green, And will not be anxious in the year of drought, Nor will cease from yielding fruit.
9 "The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it? 10 I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give every man according to his ways, According to the fruit of his doings.
--Jeremiah 17:5-10

2.) The book I'm currently reading by Bob Sorge, "The Praise and Rejection of Man" is speaking very clearly into my life. I'm eating it up like candy. The big premise right now from that is "to the extent you receive men's praise when they honor you, you will be affected by their rejection when they turn on you."

3.) Conversations with people like Stephen and Jeremy are seriously confirming and adding to what I'm learning on this subject. It's sooo great.

The Lord is tired of me looking to everyone else to confirm me, help me, teach me. When I have a problem or a big question about something I immediately start looking to men for counsel and advice. It's obvious this has to be dealt with and fixed now before I can be moved on.

April 18, 2005 - Some more great thoughts from Jeff Lucas. "There are some people who relish every opportunity to correct others - and often they are clumsy as they do so." Oh man, there is one person right now in MYM who is trying to go around correcting everyone. It's incredibly not Christ like and very out of line. But then I do that a lot too. I used to do it a lot more and have grown up some. But still, I'm too quick to "correct" especially in the heat of the moment. Often my correcting may be more like self-defense or something of that nature. Here's Lucas's balance to this: "our relationships should include the possibility of straight talk, but proceed with care. Do we find that we rather enjoy the feeling that we get when correcting others? Have those that we rush to rebuke ever actually given us permission to speak into their lives? The fact that we are Christians certainly does not give us an "access all areas" pass to other people's lives... Are we willing to be corrected ourselves, or are we deluded into believing that we have graduated from that need?" I'm personally hungry for godly correction in my life, but even that doesn't give me right to rush to correct people who haven't asked for it. "Father, deliver me from rushing to correct others, and resisting correction myself."

Here's another from Lucas: "using the phrase "you always" is usually guaranteed to be unhelpful. It is rarely true...It's a demotivating phrase too: if our friends and family members think, when we use that 'always' word, that this is the perception that we have of them, what point is there in them behaving any differently? Avoid making generalizations - they are nearly always rooted in prejudice."

Man, mom had a close call today - or so it seemed. She was bleeding a lot and lost a 1/2 pint of blood and was feeling real weak. The doctor says she either has acute gastritis or an ulcer. Both are treated the same way and he believes she'll be find. The worrisome part is that he believes it to be the prednisone which she takes for the lupus to be the cause of the condition. Something has to be done. We've relied on medicine to alleviate her condition too long. This medicine seems to be slowly bringing harm to her body and she needs to be healed so she can stop taking the prednisone. I had such great prayer warriors at my disposal when I needed them: Brent, Charity, and Stephen. I'm so grateful for them. And I was reminded of how that I've been thinking lately about how Charity and I need to pray together more. We need to do warfare together. I feel there is a lot of power when we agree together in prayer and we need to make that a priority.

April 14, 2005  - Jeff Lucas said some things while at CITP that I don't want to forget, so I record them here.
1. Maintain you own personal sense of spiritual intimacy.
    MYM seems to be going through a time where the kids have by large fallen into stagnation and now they're smelling the stench of their rotting spirituality and becoming aware of their condition. I think part of the reason they've come to this is they've failed to keep that spiritual intimacy in their lives. Seeking God only at church and never at home seems to always end up like this.

2. Refuse to be paralyzed by your own preferences. We say God doesn't like it, but really we just don't like it.

3. Don't miss God because you're waiting for perfection. There is no perfection this side of heaven

April 8, 2005 - What a great time we had at Reveal last night! Charity had Pastor's house while he was out of town and so we had Reveal over there. There was a LOT of food, swimming, talking, and a lot of icing and cake all over the Kitchens' kitchen after Sam and Charity finished their cake in the face war!

More thought inspired by Jeff Lucas. When people leave your church never say "The Lord is refining us" or "He's separating the wheat from the chaff". I've said this, but that's so wrong. Even if it is true, it's not a godly attitude to say that about people. Just because people disagree with your leadership or your ideas doesn't mean they're chaff in God's sight. Likewise "we just weren't being fed"  is a sorry thing to say when leaving a church. As if you have grown beyond the people there. Love and lift people up at all times - even in those kinds of times. I'm also seeing how disagreements get started in churches because of the various ministries/personalities in the church. Worship people like the music loud and the worship set long. Word people like the worship set short and sweet and can't understand why everyone doesn't come to Sunday School. The intercessors think the thing is too structured and everyone else isn't as spiritual as them. The evangelists think we all spend too much time in church and not enough out on the street and therefore also think the intercessors are flaky and need to get a grip. Then the social action groups think both the intercessors and the evangelists have it wrong because there's no need praying for or witnessing to people until you've met their practical needs. Don't be frustrated that everyone doesn't think your ministry is the most important and doesn't see your vision. "Release them to be who God wants them to be...", says Lucas.

Here's something that's been on my mind lately. Be cautious of statements people make that begin with "I think God..." I've had some well meaning Christians say some really dumb things to me lately that began with those words. Statements like "I don't think God wants us to have a regimented Bible study." Meaning God doesn't want us to discipline ourselves to study the Word every day. Or how about this one, "I don't think God is as concerned about holiness as we are." These statements came from Christians who are leaders and respected. And they do mean well and really believe what they say. But that's what's so scary - if these aren't flaky and easily deceived people then how easy it is for any of us to fall into erroneous thinking. We must be careful to not believe what makes sense to us or pay too much credit to whatever great "revelations" our hearts/minds dream up. Remember the heart is deceitful and wicked. And remember our wisdom is foolishness to God - what makes sense to us probably isn't right! The only way to be sure your ideas about God are right are to get them from the Word or confirm them by the Word. If we just believe whatever makes sense to us, then we are as relative in our standards and beliefs as the world is. We have an absolute. Use it! One problem is that we can use the Word like satan did with Jesus to try and validate what we want to believe (even subconsciously). For example, both of those statement above can be "confirmed" by saying "just like the Pharisees got judged by Jesus for keeping hard disciplines and pushing them on people, God doesn't expect us to live up to impossible demands." Well, to the person who really wants to believe that, this might make a lot of sense and sound right. We really have to stay close to the Holy Spirit and open to His correction in our lives and theology because error is so easily disguised.  Don't disregard the conviction of the Holy Spirit for legalism or religion or useless tradition.

April 4, 2005 - Wow, what a hard week. After the "church hurt" day when I was slammed down hard from a bitter spirited fellow Christian I also had a very difficult confrontation in love from a fellow Christian. Both left my mind reeling and my heart pounding and my pride wounded. Oh but it was so worth it and I received it gratefully. I learned much and received many benefits from it all.
1. Humility. It's amazing how prideful you can become and not realize it. It wasn't in the form of "oh look at me - all together and doing well", rather it was in a more introspective form of "I'm ok. I'm doing good. God can use me because I've got it so together." How refreshing to have that pride demolished and bow humbly again before him.
2. Fear of God. Oh, I've been getting revelations about the importance of the fear of the Lord, but I've not felt it like I have this week. I had been obeying Him only  halfway on some things for some time now, ignoring His still small voice asking me to obey fully. After many months of half obedience and ignoring the small voice, He had to use a more stringent means of discipline. It was not an easy experience, but He could have easily made it so much worse. Oh, you'd better believe I've been fully obedient this week!
3. My days of being "just one of the guys" is over. I've never been able to impress people or make friends with any good talents I have. I'm not funny so I don't make people laugh well either. So all my life, I've impressed people and made them laugh by going over the line and shocking them with audacity. I remember in grade school picking candy up off the ground and eating it or chewing old chewed up gum just to gross people out and (I thought) impress them and make them laugh. In Christian university I found certain liberties I'd use to "impress" people and get laughs. I was the one to order an O'Doul's beer at lunch with my Christian friends for shock or buy a cigar and smoke it with the Christian friends watching or moon people from the car on spring break trips. Or I might use certain language that most Christians would not in order to impress them with my "liberties". And I was one of the guys' dorm streakers for the shock effect that had. Oh, it was all very harmless, but dumb. Because the whole time I was a Christian leader in some fashion and since the Lord asks every Christian to be "above reproach" I should have learned to be that long ago. Now that I'm a certified minister and the Lord wants to use me in a greater capacity but can't for fear of what stupid things I might do, He's just stinkin' tired of it. So again, my days of being "just one of the guys", at least through these tactless means of shock and awe and flaunting my "liberties", are over. As a minister I have to leave all course joking behind (that's a command for all Christians, but certainly it's time for me to catch up to that) and carry myself with the dignity that is necessary to be His slave. And yes, it's ridiculous for me to just now be coming around to this. Not that it takes any blame off me, but why is it that just now someone has had the guts enough to confront me with the kind of boldness that will get my attention? "Rebuke a wise man and he'll love you", Proverbs says. Maybe we need to not be so worried about getting people mad at us and do some house cleaning in love.

March 30, 2005 - "Church hurt". It's a term I heard used recently to describe the all too common Christians hurting Christians scenario. We're so much quicker to trust each other and become vulnerable in the church. And I think that's a good thing. We shouldn't be suspicious and weary of our brothers and sisters in Christ. However, all our brothers and sisters are still human so inevitably there is going to be hurtful things done and said. I think a little church hurt here and there is not a bad thing. It helps you stay broken, humble, and makes you go running home in tears to Daddy, and that's one of the most awesome places in the world to be - broken and face buried in His chest letting Him speak to you wisdom that you can gain from the hurt. Somehow I've not found Him to be the best at joining my pity party over church hurt. He's rather a stickler for letting me cry for a bit and then insisting I get up and keep going and learn from the experience. I don't really feel a lot of pity from Him. I do feel sympathy in that He really does care what's going on with me and feels my hurt along with me. But like a drill sergeant He doesn't seem to have a lot of time for pity. It's a little frustrating at the time when I'd like to just stay in my hurt and tears, but later on I love Him all the more for making me get up and get going. Thanks, Father, for not treating me like a child or letting me act like one.

March 25, 2005 -   Isaiah 29:13   And so the Lord says, "These people say they are mine. They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far away. And their worship of me amounts to nothing more than human laws learned by rote." Another version: "Then the Lord said, "Because * this people draw near with their words And honor Me with their lip service, But they remove their hearts far from Me, And their reverence for Me consists of tradition * learned by rote" 

What a clear picture of our present day American church. Oh we confess with our mouth (especially on Sundays) but what about our hearts? Where is he on Saturday and Friday night? Where is he weeknights and weekdays at work? Certainly not as close to our hearts as he is to our mouths on Sunday mornings. And how about the worship thing - is our worship not so often just traditions we carry out every Sunday morning? Do we not just go through the motions of what we've grown up knowing as a "worship service"? We're all guilty from the Catholic with their kneel, stand, sit, kneel traditions, to the Baptist with their stand there and sing tradition, to the charismatic with their clap, spin, jump tradition. I think we Charismatics tend to be a little more true in our worship especially since it takes effort and breaking out of the comfort zone to do what we do, but even then it can become just a tradition if we guard not our heats and discipline our minds to focus on Him.

Like the Lord spoke to me a while back about rending our garments/hearts instead of just putting them away for a while, I'm now getting that when you Lord gives you the ability and commission to clean house you'd better do it good. What you leave will come back to haunt you. If you leave yourself something to go back to or fall back on you certainly will go back.

March 23, 2005 - I've been reading Jeremiah, a book which shows the manifestation of God's wrath which Israel had provoked and I'm wondering how we can sit comfortably and read these words and shake our heads at sinful Israel who just kept on and kept on with their sins and provoking God until his Mercy held back his wrath no longer, but in justice He poured out a heaven full of whipping on the whole nation. Do we not continually provoke him? Do we not take for granted his grace and mercy will continue to keep us from His dreadful punishment? How is it we think we are better than Israel?

March 22, 2005 - Jeff Lucas had an awesome point in a devotional based on Acts 11:23 . It was Barnabas who first accepted Saul (now Paul) into the church. Everyone else was scared of him. He recognized grace when He saw it and accepted Paul regardless of all the garbage. Now Barnabas is sent to check out reports of revival breaking out in Antioch. He wasn't so worried about whether they were circumcised or not as much as he was excited about what God was doing in their lives. Lucas says this, "Relationships often fail because we are driven by a desire to have everything ordered in others' lives precisely as we would like it. We want them to worship using our style, our musical preferences, and study our version of the Bible that is our chosen translation. It would be even more helpful if they would adopt our theological view of the second coming, reach out to others using our "proven" methods, and enjoy the same preachers and teachers as us, too. It's simpler when everyone believes exactly the same thing about everything: it's just that this usually only  happens in dangerous cults. Let's resist the temptation to try to make others in our own image: that's already been done, by the one who alone was qualified to do it....Let's look for grace - not clones."

March 21, 2005 - What a great Spring Break trip with Sam, Chase, Bryce, Trey, Mandy, and Julie. The youth service they did for Chase's cousin's youth group in Kansas was great! We visited Cleveland and Lee University. Nashville was fun. Ramp service was fantastic. Last night I was a little sad that the trip was over and it was back to normal life. Sam and I are trying to devise a way to be on the road most of our lives. We're thinking of becoming traveling evangelist :)  Actually Sam mentioned how right and good the service in Kansas felt and wished he could do more of that. I agreed. I've come to appreciate Sam more. I saw sides of him I haven't seen as a roommate. He has more wisdom than I thought, and he showed some selflessness which is something I've been watching for from him. He and I also had a couple of those great honest talks that I love so much but are so hard to come by.

Lee was nice but it didn't feel like home. Really Cleveland didn't either (even though it was close to the mountains). Tennessee kinda felt like home. Alabama sure didn't! uggh, driving through there made me wonder how anyone could live out there in the middle of nowhere. Oh man, I'm anxious for a change but I don't think I'm supposed to go to Cleveland. Or at least not any time soon.

March 12, 2005 - Staci Timaeus, Ty DeHerrera, Caleb Cooper, Shalyn McBroom, Bailey and Evan Ryherd, Brittany, Katherine, etc, etc, etc. Yes, yes, we have much to look forward to. I'm seeing "babies" that are already becoming the next wave of revolution that will storm America. Sometimes I stop during worship and just revel in what I'm seeing them become. It's more exciting than the new Star Wars teaser (which, by the way, is VERY exciting. I can't wait for it to come out in May. I've got to get Charity into Star Wars before then...)

September 9, 2004 - I had a flashback to when I was very young and one night I walked into the kitchen and mom and dad were sitting at the bar crying and agonizing. Mom was just bawling and dad had his hands over his face. I'm pretty sure he was crying and it's the only time I can remember him crying. I remember I tried to ask them what was wrong but they couldn't talk to me. The were devastated about something. I noticed dad wasn't even holding mom to comfort  her like he does any time she cries, but this time he seemed too hurt himself. I went outside and caught up with Bruce, my brother. I asked him what happened and he told me he had just told mom and dad that he'd been dipping tobacco and drinking. It was the most hurt I ever remember seeing my folks. The Lord said to me this morning that is what goes on with Him when I choose to go back to those old sins He's set me free from.

August 28, 2004 - We are the branches and He is the vine. In Him we live and move and have our being. I want so much to be just an extension of Him. That everything I do is an extension of Him. When I prophesy it's not me but an extension of what He's saying. Everything I do - minister, pray, work, etc.

August 22, 2004 - I asked "what more can I give up time-wise?" I mean I've already given up most everything selfish that I could spend time on (movies, TV, video games, etc), and yet He asks me for more. He showed me how much time I spend just hanging out once my friends are around. Not quality time with friends, but just foolish goof-off wasted time. One word - "intensity".

August 15, 2004 - "Those things you keep seeing in prayer, start calling them into existence."

July 17, 2004 - Yesterday at the youth's prayer time the Lord spoke to me about the church in revelation that thought they were rich but were actually in poverty and He counseled them to buy from Him gold refined in the fire. I never understood what that meant. I see now how our churches have been satisfied with what they have. We have thought we were rich because we have our nice buildings and money, our programs and good reputation. For years we've tried it this way and it didn't work. Now God wants us to buy gold - something real. There's people crying out for real and buying gold refined by fire  from Him who asks that they sell out all. When we've done that, look out. Finally we'll have real Christianity, real Jesus, something real He can work with. For years the world didn't want what the church had because even the world knew it was fake so it didn't attract them. But when we've bought from Him gold refined in the fire, they'll see and come longing. Wear that bling-bling, Steve. Let them see it and want it!

May 10, 2003 - 1 John 2:28 advises me to abide in Him so that at His coming on that day I will not shrink back in shame but rather, I may have confidence. Again that day is made real to me. Again I look forward to that day when this is all over and I finally am transformed; I look into His eyes. But I must be careful to abide now so that I can enjoy that moment then. And as I abide I will bear fruit which I can present to Him and I can her, "well done." 

It's a very cloudy day in Lincoln, Nebraska. I'm in the airport waiting for 4 1/2 hours for my flight. In the cafe there's only one other customer. By the window I drink my iced tea and stare into the gloomy gray outside the window. The last 4 days have been consumed with Brent and Michaela's wedding. Brent and Michaela are very happy and I'm happy for them. But I've been unable to avoid the sadness too. I'm sad that things are changing. Brent's life is changing in a way that I can't share with him. We've shared so much these y6 years, but now some of the sharing will go from me to Michaela. I'm also kinda sad about how unlikely it is that I'll ever experience the things he's been experiencing. I'm also melancholy because of many friends I've seen and caught up with and seeing the various enviable paths they've chosen and are walking. It makes me contemplate even more the choices before me. But though I was saddened, I'm already encouraged. I've spent some of this 4 1/2 hours with God and in His Word. His promises and voice have brought me back to focus again and I'm in love like no one has ever been in love before. Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on me! 1 John 3:1. I look forward to the future and release my clutch on the past, and I commit anew to Abide In Him!

April 30, 2003 - What will it take to get the anointing and power of God on my life, to have kids fill my living room at Bible Study and end up on the floor and get their lives forever changed? That's what I asked Him. I need to get rid of the harsh attitude, the argumentative attitude, the selfish words. I need to speak with the tenderness of the Holy Spirit within me. Worship. Corporate worship, individual worship; even doing the Bible Study in an attitude of worship like John and Leisa. Share your testimony. Lift up Jesus. Stay in my presence. Someone has GOT to stay in my presence. Be the priest. This means never doing anything that offends me and removes my presence. This means keeping an eye on me all day every day, staying sensitive to me no matter what you're doing, pray, worship, prophecy without ceasing. Be sensitive to me at Bible Study so that my agenda is done and not your own. Testimonies.

April 29, 2003 - I'm praying for direction in some decisions. The smaller decision, whether to switch to days even though it means working Sun nights I feel good about. So I'll be switching to a day schedule. I also may be working at Old Navy again to pay for school. The biggest decision, to go to school for youth ministry or teaching, I still don't know. But I'm leaning toward teaching. I also prayed for Chris Bob. God hasn't given up and by faith I know God is working in his life.

March 9, 2000 - I’m camping out in the woods all by myself. I’ve been here only 6 hours and already the Word has become alive to me and I can pray a little better already. It’s good to be here, but it seems a shame that I have to retreat from my normal life out into the wilderness with nothing but devotional materials just to make myself spend time with God. In a way this could actually be an insult to Him. It’s even more an insult to myself – a testimony to my own lack of self-discipline. I’m reading “What’s So Amazing About Grace” by Phillip Yancey and I’m more and more enamored with the mystery of the grace of God. I may truly be in need of His grace tonight as I’m hearing some crazy sounds in the woods as the sun sets. There must be dozens of coyotes howling in the distance. And they should howl and yell. As I look up at the sunset, there is more beautiful pin and purple than at a neon crayola factory. The father says to not love the world or things of the world yet I find part of me longing to be back at Evangel talking to my friends and playing on the Internet. I need a lot of reformation in my spiritual life.

1999? - If your marriage is based on nice legs and a pretty face, what would happen if in one quick car accident those nice legs are gone and that pretty face is mutilated? Same way if your faith is based on your church or some preacher or your music, etc. What happens when your preacher falls, your church splits, and your CDs are stolen?