2006
December 31, 2006 – I’m totally trashed from Ramp. What a wakeup call. So much has been spoken I don’t know where to begin. I didn’t really acknowledge it to myself until now but I have been backsliding the last 5 months or so. Instead of going forward I was standing still which always leads backwards in the Spirit. In my pursuit of God I have been motivated out of a desire to see God move on my boys at TC. I have pursued him loosely because I was motivated out of a realization that unless He shows up I will fall flat on my face in this ministry, and that’s a really bad reason for pursuit and not a good enough motivation. I need to refocus and pursue Him now out of a burning heart of passion for Him. Right now I SEE easily how I will be spiritually this year – I see all the climbing and warring I will do. But when it’s later into the year and I forget the vision it’s not so easy. So every day I must wait for the vision of what significance I will make that day in the spiritual. Every morning I must make sure I still have God’s heart. Rick Pino had us singing this one chant: “I was made to live under the waterfall where deep calls unto deep.” And as I sang that I awakened to the fact that I am supposed to be living in that waterfall of the presence of God and instead I’ve been neglecting it more and more.
I have lost a lot of focus because I was focusing so much on the ministry. I fell into thinking that to win these kids I will have to spend all this extra time with them. So I’m there a lot more than I have to be. God made it clear to me that all this time with them isn’t getting them anywhere because I haven’t been with Him. If I’d spend my extra time with Him then what time I have with them will become much more effective. I’ve been confused about what my job is – it’s not to fix the kids. It’s to fix me, to get right and aligned with Him so He can fix the kids through me.
The first night I got there late and the floor was full so I had to sit in the back with the adults in the chairs…what a drag. As I looked out at the Beaumont group during service I became jealous (maybe even covetous) of Stephen. I saw him in the middle of my kids, dancing and warring and praying surrounded by the guys that God made me move away from and whom I miss so much. I thought about how where I’m at I don’t have anyone to war with, no kids to freak out with or even that I can get close to or trust. It made me sad all over again about having to leave. I don’t even want to think about going back to Arkansas and how long it’ll be till I get to come see them (Beaumont) again. It all reminds me of God asking Abraham to go sacrifice Isaac, his only son Isaac. Of course there is the other side to me as well that is glad to be in full-time ministry and that also loves the kids I have up there. Most importantly there is the overruling consciousness that says God has asked this of me for great reasons and I trust and obey Him.But overall I was blessed to have a WONDERFUL time with the Beaumont kids over Ramp and I still get a couple more days with them. Eli and I have spent a lot of time together and it’s been so nice. I’ve got a stronger and closer spiritual son than ever before. He’s much more grounded and smarter about things.
I asked God what I need to do to keep what I gained over
the conference and He gave me a small list of new wineskins :
1. I need to use the mentor He gave me much more. I have to go to him and
confess some weaknesses, talk about my goals, and ask him to keep me accountable
to both and push me.
2. Watch DVDs of the Ramp services to keep it fresh.
3. Focus every morning like I said before and focus on Him, not on them (the
kids).
God spoke to me about making a list of first works. Here’s what I came up with:
I sought him for him instead of because I needed him to help with my ministry.
I took every spare second to get some time in with Him.
Waited in prayer, not just getting through a system of prayer methods. When I didn’t know how to pray I’d wait in silence. Now I "know" how to pray so I don't wait anymore.
Danced in intimacy, not just in warfare.
Prayed for others, kept a prayer list.
Prayed about and worked on sins instead of just accepting them.
I wonder what it takes to become a foster parent. If I'm going to pray to end abortion, I'd better also be willing and ready to be part of the answer for all these unwanted babies that will be born.
God also had me make a list of things He asked me to do at Arkansas that I have not been doing and also a list of things I’m doing that He never asked me to do. First, here’s what I’ve been doing that He never asked me to do:
Watching more and more TV
Playing more and more games
Spending a lot of time working on the house and the property
Going out a lot
Sleeping too much
And what God said to do that I’ve not been doing:
Learning to pray
Learning to fast
Memorizing Scripture
Giving my best to TC
Study (bible and other)
Pray at TC after my shift
Partner with my mentor
November 30, 2006 – In 1973 abortion was legalized. That is the same year Bob Jones says the leaders of the doves began to be born. In 1981 Bob Jones says the doves began to be born. I was born in 1976. That fits right in with what God is doing with my life and means I’m on track.
November 29, 2006 – A thought from my Berean book: “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch you habits, for they become your character. Finally, your character becomes your eternal destiny.”
I’m sick…it’s ok because as long as I have taken a Tylenol to bring fever down I can get a lot done such as recording these thoughts I wrote down from Fall Ramp a while back.
Prophetic adaptation - Damon’s term to identify the idea that the prophetic word of the Lord never has to adapt itself to the facts, but rather the facts have to adapt themselves to the Word of the Lord. Fact is what I see, but Truth is what God says, so it’s not the same. Sarah operated in fact and created Ishmael. The fact is the fastest growing churches today never see miracles. The truth is the early church would never have grown without them. So when God says the promise of the Holy Spirit is for my boys and He lays it on my heart that they need the baptism in the Holy Ghost then that is the truth. The fact that I don’t see any of them filled yet isn’t significant. The fact has to adapt itself to the Word.
Anointing comes from endurance. Few people ever walk out what God started. 30 people used to come to prayer meeting and now only 3. Millions left Egypt but only 2 of that original generation endured into the promised land.
Matt 22:1-14 the parable of the wedding feast. Men have all sorts of excuses why they can’t get involved with the Kingdom. We have become proficient at pointing out our young people’s sin – their tobacco, their hair, their earrings, etc. We deal with the effect rather than the cause (the oxen, the field, and the wife). We must get across to them what they miss by not making it to the feast.
1 Samuel 18:1 Jon and David connected according to a Kingdom order. That’s why it was better than the love of women which is an earthly order. There was an exchange of swords – vulnerability, and an exchange of garments – switched positions. Jesus switched positions with us. He was the son who became sin. We were the sinner who became sons.
He’s a God of waste – the alabaster box, “Why this waste?” David anointed King but tending sheep. Jesus, son of God dormant for 30 years. Me at Morrow…
Matthew 5:43-46. We MUST love our enemies and do good to them if we want to be true sons of God, reflections of our Father in heaven.
I noticed how the boys would fall asleep on Damon Thompson and it was actually encouraging, because if they fall asleep on him then I know I’m not a failure if they fail to get what I’m passing out in chapels.
November 28, 2006 – Elijah is back!! I’m so excited. One spiritual son gets a burden for another, wayward spiritual son and then 5 people in one day come across his path and that night at 12:30 AM he calls and we talk for the first time in 5 months. Since then we’ve talked nearly every day and he’s coming back. Beyond that I’ve had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Aaron, Joel, Jarrod, and my family in Kirbyville. Mitchell and Lauran were chomping at the bit, anxious to worship and pray – and we did. It was wonderful. Tonight I make a journal entry because at prayer tonight the group talked about some very good stuff but something really new and exciting came forth. I’ve known for a while now that unity in the body is one thing that must happen before Jesus will come back. God gave me that revelation about how Jesus prayed for unity and everything He asks for, He receives and so we will be a unified bride before the Father decides we’re ready for His Son. However, not until tonight did I understand the full manifestation of unity is the unity between gentile believers and Jews. If we really want to see the last great move of God on earth and the coming of Jesus then we must work to bring down the walls between the Jews and gentile Christians. This is the one new man talked about in the Bible and it is the fullness of the manifestation of the church as the “body” of Christ. There are men of God working toward this very thing right now. Beyond that, Ephesians 1 is kicking my butt right now. I’ll definitely need to spend some time praying that scripture tomorrow (I’ve already prayed it some today, but there’s more to process). God has also been revamping my prayer life. I started reading a book about prayer to see if I wanted to use it for group studies for Phase 3, but it started really challenging me. It’s basic elemental principles of various ways to pray and forms of prayer. But it seems I’ve become so comfortable with one way that I’ve completely left out some valid and needed parts of daily prayer, namely silence, confession, thanksgiving, etc.
November 15, 2006 – I got to take the boys to hear Damon Thompson in Conway last Saturday. Some thoughts I wanted to make note of and explore here from that service:
We’ve taught the harvest principle a lot in church and it’s a valid principle clearly set forth in the Word. But there is an even greater principle that we have left largely left untouched and that is the principle of inheritance. Inheritance will get you stuff sowing and reaping a harvest can’t get you. Damon says we don’t have seed big enough to reap what we need right now. We need the power to overturn governments, principalities, and demonic strongholds. Inheritance is a Kingdom principle and I get it not based on what I do but on how I’m positioned. I have to be in order with the King and I can inherit the authority, the power, and the presence I need to do what needs to be done at this momentous time in history.
The excellence of man is overwhelming but will never be enough. The one giving the gift is all that will be enough. No matter how good your worship leader sings, she will never be enough. Only the one who gives that gift of music will be enough. We’ve tried to get the best humanity can offer and think we’ve got what we need. It’s not enough.
The earth is done being affected by those who represent God and is about to be affected by those who reflect God. Those who represent God stood in His presence at one time. Those who reflect God stand in His presence currently. It’s not what you once got, it’s what you are currently getting.
You don’t have to be the light, you just have to reflect it. You don’t have to be the fixer, you just have to reflect the fixer (thinking of the boys – I don’t have to fix them, I just reflect the one who can fix them.).
If your shadow isn’t healing the sick, if you are not able to drive out demons, etc then something is wrong with your position (as son).
The church lost our voice and influence because we wanted to be liked.
Submission to authority is the initial dying place of pride. If you want humility submit to authority.
Jesus affected the earth because He wouldn’t surrender to the order of the earth. Rather he set a new order, he was after the order of Melchezedek.
He didn’t come to earth to be relevant to His culture. He came to birth a counter culture.
Pastor Nichols saw a vision last night at prayer meeting of me wearing purple velvet shoes that he believed represented authority. He said they were beautiful and decorated. Then that one prophetic lady prophesied over me power later in the meeting.
November 8, 2006 – The elections yesterday spelled a defeat for us. South Dakotans decided they would continue to allow babies to be killed within their borders. It’s discouraging but the right way to respond to this is to redouble my efforts. Sackcloth and ashes may be in order today as well.
November 5, 2006 – The Lord continues to do great things. I thought I might record a few thoughts I wrote down while at Ramp. The first night I got a great place right in the front, right behind the tape that marks you can’t go any further so I had no distractions from people in front of me and it was great until a huge whale of a girl decided to leave her place in the back and come stand right in front of me. The camera man kept telling her she couldn’t be in front of the tape so she’d try to push herself back into my spot. I refused to give up my spot and so I had this girl bouncing right in my face for 40 minutes or more during worship. I had to learn a lesson that night about ignoring distraction and focusing even when the distraction is right in my face and keeps trying to make me take a step backward. As I closed my worldly eyes and focused on Him, He took care of it and she eventually left to go off to the side…I’m sure me praying aloud, “God get this girl out of my space” didn’t have anything to do with it…. I really did.
Jason said his little boy had a vision of Jesus and Jesus told him “witches like to dress up like Santa and nice people.” Wow…I wonder if there is something about witches wanting to get their hands on as many kids to put curses on or something by being Christmas Santas.
November 1, 2006 – What a great time to be alive. God is so good and is allowing us to experience and hear more than ever in my lifetime. Even Andy is sending me words that God is giving him! In chapels and in daily life I’m experiencing a side-by-side experience of cooperation with the Holy Spirit like never before. The Ramp trip was incredible! They boys were really good and we had little trouble with them. God blessed in all kinds of ways. Logistically He blessed us by allowing us plenty of money to have fun and eat good and still come in under what we had received by more then $200. We also had an incredible hotel situation. It just seemed like the whole trip was under a big blessing…because it was. The boys did well at the Ramp except Dylan and Justin were mostly staying in the back and not participating fully but they did pay attention and as we saw later back at the ranch, they did get something out of it. Dylan and I especially seem closer since this trip.
Monday morning chapel was incredible. Justin said it was the only time in the 10 years that he has been there that we had a chapel like that in the daytime. There was no preaching. It started out with worship and then asking the boys to give testimony of the Ramp experience. That started out slow and hesitant but they got to going and they reminded each other of revelations and they fed off each other and got bolder as they went. Chapel ended up being 3 hours long, they boys voluntarily skipped lunch, and we prayed and worshipped the whole time. Mike had a vision of Jesus taking him up into the heavens and showing him the people on earth and saying, “That’s my bride. Go get her for me.” Sounds like a call to ministry to me… Dylan and Justin made very bold steps during that time proving they did get something more than I could tell at the Ramp. Lots more happened but too personal and too much to tell.
As for me personally, lots is going on. My head was still spinning from the revelation released at Ramp and then last night at a prayer meeting with Pastor Nichols (who I asked to be a mentor) there was more very hard and theology shaking teaching. I loved it, but it’s necessary to think it through and journal it. First of all, I have to start being more careful to pray with God’s compassion and will rather than just praying anything that comes to mind birthed from my own compassion. So for example, I’m really wanting God to move on Elijah because I love him so much and want to see him saved. But if I just pray haphazardly and wildly because of my extreme feeling then it’s like a man with a machine gun that just shoots at random, never aiming for a target or never caring what his target is. God has a plan and a purpose and it’s the intercessor’s job to find that plan and purpose and pray accordingly. There is apparently much more to the verse about our prayers not being heard because we pray amiss. And the promise that if we ask according to His will He hears us. But so often we just pray and never find His will. So if I pray, “God, heal all the hurt of the past,” but God has plans still to use all that hurt to drive him into God’s arms then did I just pray against God’s plan? Or did God not hear me because I prayed amiss? Oh the religious mind immediately objects (as mine did last night) and says but it’s always God’s will to heal so even if He doesn’t do it when I ask, He ultimately will heal it. But the truth still is valid that I didn’t get God’s mind on how to pray for my boy at this moment and I just went firing my machine gun at whatever target seemed good to me. We must learn to pray strategically by finding His strategy. I find I’m getting this somewhat. I had 3 hours I could have prayed for Aaron during chapel on Monday but never did because the Lord never led me to because Aaron has got to learn to climb out of his hole himself instead of waiting for the minister or whoever to come and make him get out. And when Jarrod asked me to pray for his grandfather, I didn’t feel like I should pray for a healing and sure enough he died that night. But those I instances I obeyed without understanding this principle. Now I’m accountable to much more awareness of praying with God’s strategy.
Another idea is that of groanings in intercession. I never thought that was literal but apparently it is. And that is a relief because there has been many times when I had nothing but a groan to pray and I tried to push myself to pray English or tongues because I thought the groans were fruitless. Now I believe they are a prayer in themselves birthed from the Holy Spirit.
Another challenge was that the ministers last night do not think Moses changed God’s mind about destroying Israel. Instead God never really intended to destroy Israel and somehow his exchange with Moses was simply a way to express Himself and his anger against the people. I say “bull”. It is too similar to the Oneness people trying to make their doctrine make sense by saying Jesus was having a conversation with himself when He prayed to the father just to set an example. That’s not what the text says at all in Exodus. The text says God was going to destroy Israel and Moses made a strong plea on their behalf and God listened to him and “repented”, in other words changed His mind. God was going to destroy Ninevah if they didn’t repent. Jonah was able to go preach and the people’s repentance turned God’s judgment away. God was going to destroy Sodom and Gamorrah and warned Abraham since he had family there. Abraham tried to change God’s mind about the destruction but realized he couldn’t argue a good case for the wicked cities so he didn’t change God’s mind. Jeremiah was commanded to not even try to change God’s mind about Israel’s destruction and later it was prophesied to Israel that “even if Moses and Samuel stood before me I’d still destroy you.” So what do I believe about intercession and changing God’s mind and when to not even try? I don’t know…Seek Him and find His will. If He wants you to change His mind like Moses then do it. If He doesn’t want you to like Jeremiah then don’t even try. If He wants you to take some practical action to help the situation such as preaching to the people like Jonah or going and getting your loved ones before it’s too late like Abraham, then do that. But we must get God’s will and mind on the situation so we know what to do.
October 24, 2006 – Fall Ramp trip this weekend. A few of the 7guys I’m taking are going for right reasons. The rest I think they’re going mainly for fun and girls, but they may surprise me if I could really see on the inside of them. Darren wants to go up to 24 students and he is doing it rapidly. My attitude has been less than supportive to say the least. When he brought in 3 new students right after we lost Andy and Mark I was very upset and personally offended. “How could he treat his staff so heartlessly,” I’d whimper to myself (and sadly enough a few times not just to myself). I was not only afraid for our well being but also for the spiritual climate of the campus, afraid we would lose the positive atmosphere on campus. But then God sent us Asher, Justin, and Austin and I was amazed at such a positive group of new students who didn’t hurt the attitude on campus but helped it! Then two weeks later he brought in two more and again I was upset, thinking he is pushing that luck, especially being that we still don’t have any new staff. Then God gave us Joel (who increased the positive attitude on campus) and Adam (who could have gone either way but went the way of the positive because of the positive peer pressure. Now we have two new staff (in training) and I’m thankful for that beyond belief, but we are also looking at bringing in up to 5 new students this coming Monday! At first when I heard that I was upset again but the Lord finally dealt with me and basically related to me a couple things: 1. If we do not take as many students as we are capable of taking in then there are students who need us that are turned away and He would be in full righteousness to hold us accountable for their souls. 2. I keep telling him I love my job but that I want to reach a larger population of young people…but when He turns my boss’s heart toward doubling our population I complain – it’s like praying for rain and then complaining for the puddles. 3. I have told him regularly in worship that I’d do anything, even wear myself out for Him, but then I complain and freak out when He starts to take me up on that. When I saw what a hypocrite I was being my attitude has changed dramatically and I’m anxious and excited about these new students coming in! My fears are swallowed up by faith in Him.
My most senior students are sadly the least hungry for God. They are the last of that negative group that was here when I first started this job. My prayer is that they will wake up spiritually at the Ramp this weekend.
I finally got to talk to Stephen yesterday and also in the same day got a call from Teresa Praytor and Staci Hernandez! When it rains it pours! What a blessing to get so much news and fellowship from home. Elijah is doing better in every way except spiritually according to his mom. I am fasting this week for many things, and he is on the list. Sounds like Travis and Keith could use an encouraging phone call too.
October 20, 2006 – Southeast Texas is flooding right now and Jeff is telling me that even though the rain has stopped the flood waters continue to rise. Something about that stirs in me as prophetic – that the waters continue to rise even though the rain has stopped, but I can’t get a definite feeling like I know what it means…Rain is often the symbol of the refreshing outpouring of the Holy Ghost, but I’m not sure if that is what I’m after here. If someone from Beaumont were to tell me that the refreshing outpourings have slowed down or stopped, I think I have an encouraging word from that, but it just doesn’t feel definitely from God. The last thing I want to do is prophesy from the inventions of my own heart like the false prophets in Jeremiah 23. I have noticed this – that it seems the original intent of God was for the earth to be watered not from above but from itself (Gen 2:5). [Nov 1 – a week after that entry I ready a prophecy from Chuck Pierce given on Oct 14 that we should watch the areas that experience physical flooding as they are marked for Holy Spirit invasion and that flooding will cause them to run for higher ground (spiritually speaking). The next day, Oct 15, an earthquake in Hawaii and the rains brought flooding to southeast Texas]
October 17, 2006 – In prayer tonight I became aware that the enemy is in the works trying to take back the atmosphere and the condition of the Teen Challenge campus and our students. I went to war over them, but the battle is not over yet – I didn’t get that breakthrough feeling in my spirit…yet. Intense prayer and fasting is in order.
I believe God wants me to teach on and pray for the baptism of the Holy Spirit. But I have to be honest – I’m scared to. I’ve seen too many times people pray for the baptism and not receive it and I’m scared if I spend this time teaching and praying for it, it’ll be a real let down. A lack of faith, I know. I think right now I need to be in prayer about that and spend some time building my faith and expectancy.
I’m seeing me take the kids on “prayer drives” where we will stop at churches and pray blessing on them, stop at liquor stores and pray deliverance on the customers, stop at slums and pray revival among the habitants, etc. I’m also seeing going to a public place and doing prayer led ministry in practical ways – praying for and witnessing to people.
October 3, 2006 – The enemy has distracted us for so long. I’m seeing how easy it is to get distracted from God. After buying this house, which is a miracle from God, I began to get consumed with various fix-up projects. Quickly the projects distracted me from my primary purpose – Him. And this is just one distraction in a life where God has me isolated from most of the big distractions that used to plague me. I got a flyer in the mail for specials on cable channels. I said to myself, “That’s the last thing I need,” as I threw the flyer in the trash. And I realized how strategic it is on the part of our enemy that we have so many distractions. I never really was able to get a relationship with God until I was put into a situation for a month where I had so few distractions while living with my brother and sister-n-law one summer. I mean what would happen if we as a generation of Christians were not distracted by movies, videos, TV, cable, satellite, video games, computers, Internet, dating, relationships, friends, careers, money, hobbies, sports, cars, home improvement projects, or any other thing that can come before God in our lives and keep us from the One who is greater than he who is in the world?!
Prayer and fasting. I remember what He said about I won’t be leaving here until I’ve learned to pray and fast. And yesterday I think I heard Him add to it, “Because what good are you to me out there until you learn to pray and fast?” ‘Out there’ would be the mission field I’m called to – to prepare the way of the Lord, awaken a generation, father a generation? Who knows, but I know it’s something I can’t do without prayer and fasting. And the more I pray and fast the more I want to pray and fast, because He’s so addictive! I just gotta get more and more and more of what I’ve been walking around in today. The message of prayer and fasting seems to be coming from everywhere. I asked a question on the Ramp forum today about what to do when you feel like God wants you to preach and practice the Baptism of the Holy Spirit with your youth group and all the responses came back mentioning prayer and fasting for weeks or months before you do it. I was talking to Katie Kiker today and I mentioned how we have got to have revival at TC and she said “prayer and fasting”. That makes sense. If I can’t pray and fast enough to wake up 10 TC kids, then I’m not ready for what’s (what good am I to him) out there, or for what is next.
September 13, 2006 – My faith is being tested. I’ve faced before the freaky feeling of not knowing where I’m going to live in a short time. Once before when my apartment changed management and my rates went up and I chose not to renew my contract and had to move in a month but didn’t know where to. That’s a scary feeling. But God’s faithfulness was so great then and I ended up with Rivendale and four of the best roommates I could ask for and one of the best years of my life. It happened again when those roommates moved out and I couldn’t afford the rent by myself, but He supplied roommates. Now I’m in that scary feeling again as the incredible place God gave me to live before I even got to Arkansas is up for sale and I can’t compete with the buyers. There is still a chance the seller will sell it to me at a price I can afford, but he seems to be having a hard time choosing between keeping his offer to me and taking the extra he’d get from the offer a new buyer gave him. Searching for an alternative has come up with nearly nothing – certainly nothing that I think is God’s best for me. I think He wants me to have this place. He’s provided financing two different ways when at first it didn’t seem like it was going to happen at all. He seems to be the one who inspired me to buy this place to begin with. Still, it could be His will and the seller miss it J. But the faith comes in and says that even if that happens God is faithful and will turn it around into a blessing. The promises I’m standing on right now are: 1. I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken or His children begging for bread, 2. The righteous will lack no good thing. 3. Don’t be concerned about what you will wear or eat (or live). Consider the lilies. Tomorrow will take care of itself, 4. All things work together for good to them that love Him.
I was taking a nap today and as I drifted somewhere between deep sleep and consciousness, I saw Josh’s face (one of my current students who has learned a lot but is having a hard time changing some ways, possibly even come to a brick wall in his progress) and I heard the Lord say, “Knowledge of God brings salvation, but the fear of the Lord brings purity.” Oh that students like Josh would come beyond a knowledge of God only, into a healthy fear of their daddy God that spurs them to righteousness. And how do I inspire such a fear in them?
September 11, 2006 – What a great weekend! The Ranch sent me to rock climbing and rappelling school. It was long and kinda hard but fun. And I had today off after I got back! Then I work a day and have another day off! Then I get to go on a camping/fishing/canoeing trip with the boys on Friday – Sun this weekend! What a life J I’m having to decide what to do about a place to live. Andy is moving to Utah and has his place up for sale. He’ll sell it to me for 38,000 which is a great price! It’s listed at 45,000. I’m pretty set on buying it but I have to come up with a big down payment and live with a high interest rate because it’s a mobile home and there are hardly any options for a loan on mobile homes. The only thing I’d like more than buying the house is to rent a room with a nice upper middle class family with a room to rent cheap.
August 29, 2006 – Some really neat teaching has been coming at me this weekend. The incarnation is taking on new meaning for me – God putting on an earthsuite to join us in our pain and suffering. If Jesus had died with all the other Jewish babies at his birth, it would have provided salvation – the perfect lamb of God slain from the foundation of the world. But for some reason, He had to go through all He went through. One reason of course was to teach the way of salvation and the gospel of the Kingdom. But what about the cross? Why did he have to die that way? Could it really be that He had to become that great high priest who is acquainted with our sufferings? Could it be that He had to go through all that to become the mediator that is in all ways tempted such as we are? When I go through pain and suffering, is my mediator up there going, “Father this is how it feels to hurt this bad, this is how it feels to be betrayed, to be exposed, to be shamed, to be abandoned by everyone even by my faith community.” Because Jesus experienced all of it, He alone can relate to God the experience we’re going through, how tough it is for us. He, being fully God and fully human can bring the two worlds together.
August 27, 2006 - I missed it yesterday. I drove into Prairie Grove Library and an old woman was walking to her car. She was so bent over that she was almost doubled over. I felt such compassion for her and I said, "Lord touch and heal that woman!" And He said almost impatiently, "YOU touch her." I can't deny I heard it because Brent is witness as I voiced this exchange between me and God out loud on the phone. But I just sat in my care talking to Brent as the woman got in her car and her daughter drove her away. Today the idea of obedience seems to be the theme. I was reminded of the incident as I worshipped this morning. God was so right to tell me to touch her - I'm His hands. So I missed it and to be His friend I must be willing to obey. It's not about whether she got healed, it's about obedience. August 26, 2006 – I went camping last night by myself to get away with Jesus. While I was there it wasn’t the best time in the world to be honest. I was lonely and bored. I had to laugh when I realized I came out there to get away and be alone with God but that’s pretty much the story of my life right now no matter where I go! Even though it wasn’t “fun” it was a beneficial time and I did get a little closer so it was all worth while. I had a most horrific experience, though, of having eaten a half a box of raisins before realizing there were maggots/worms living inside them!
The other day I was sitting around and half out of boredom and half out of loneliness I went to my cell phone thinking I’d text someone. As soon as I did it entered my mind to text Travis and what I thought to text him was “fire on you!” I really didn’t even pray for him other than that right there and it was in my heart but not to the point that I started heavy intercession or anything. Anyway I didn’t hear from him until later that day but apparently (and Katie Kiker told me he told her this too) he was in chapel playing drums on the worship team when he got that message. When he said right after he got that the presence of God came on him strong and he went nuts on the drums. I just think it’s so great to think God does this and I’m just thinking I’m trying to start a text conversation or send an encouragement to a spiritual son.
Last weekend I started to get a budget and plan together for a Fall Ramp trip in October. I had not gotten final confirmation from the directors yet that I can take this trip but I figured I’d better start finding a hotel now if I’m thinking I might be going. But sure enough to only two major chain hotels there are in Hamilton was filled up. So I had to get the number for Rainbow in from Lisa and it was so cool cause the nice mom and pop that own Rainbow Inn gave us a great deal. All 8 of us (I’m planning on 5 students and 3 staff) are in one big 27’ X 30’ room and the cost is no more than a regular room. It has 3 queen size beds and lots of floor space. Also I found the Ramp is only charging $25 for the conference so that helps too. Anyway after researching and planning it’s only going to costs approximately $875 for this trip. Well, on Tuesday morning after getting this trip plan together so I could send it to the directors for final approval I happened to walk by my mailbox and saw a letter in it from Robin Jones. I wondered what this was because I hadn’t talked to them in a long time and Garrett has quit talking to me as much, probably because he’s tired of hearing about God every time we talk, so I hadn’t talked to him in over a month. I actually thought maybe she was writing to ask me to not give up on Garrett or something, I hadn’t even thought yet as I opened it that she might be sending an other check, but when I opened that envelop she had enclosed a check for $865.59 and designated it for “trips/etc”. That’s less than $10 under what I had projected and could easily end up being the very amount I end up spending! I nearly cried. Needless to say, the directors approved the trip J
One of my spiritual sons, the one I’m most closely knit to, is rebelling again. It hurts so much to see him hurt so much and be so lost in the dark. But in the seeming tragedy God isn’t wasting the opportunity to teach me some things (although pain may not originate from God, He will never let the experience go wasted. He always turns it around for our good - "all things work together for the good of those who love Him"). I understand now how difficult it must be for God to be in heaven when we’re down here hurting, lost, confused with a loss of identity. It’s so hard for me to be here in Arkansas when my boy is in Texas. I want to be there so bad. I’m so cut off from him. He won’t really talk to me right now. He’ll say some sarcastic and rude remarks but he won’t really talk. So I can feel the Father’s heartbreak too when His kids refuse to talk to Him when they’re hurting. The loss of connection is excruciating to Him. My boy can’t see me and is completely unaware of all the tears and thoughts and prayers I shed over him from here in Arkansas. He has no idea how much I love him. The Father wishes we understood how He feels about us. His father’s love consumes Him at times. If only we could see the Father’s heart toward us, see the agony we put him through, see the reality of how He’d do anything to get us back (and He did), we would come running back in an instant. If only we could understand the Father in full we’d instantly have all the answers we’re looking for, all the identity we’re searching for, and all the faith to know we CAN make it. And I don’t love this kid more because he is lost but the father love in me starts to jump into action when I see him hurting and lost like this and so I’m more aware of that love. I think God doesn’t love us more when we’re in rebellion against Him, but we can know His love just blows up into action when we’re lost and hurt, a dad just wants to jump into action and come to the rescue when his kid is hurt. But He gave us Jesus to make the way, then the Holy Spirit to show the way. There comes a time when you know you’ve done all you can do. At that point all you can do is continue to pray and keep in touch and let free choice take its toll. I talked to this boy’s mom today and she is soo frustrated and understandably so. She told me a couple things that happened to him when he was younger that just makes so much sense. The pain and damage done while young makes it so hard for him to understand the Father’s love now. But I understand the Father’s love enough to know that it can work him even through all this, and it will. That’s another thing I’ve learned while dealing with this kid – It’s not my problem to fix. I’ll do my part and stay with him, send letters and emails and prayers, but it’s God who will fix it. God allows me to come alongside and help Him and partner with Him in His great work in a teenager’s life, some I get to play a bigger part than in others. But in all of them it’s still ultimately God who is the daddy and I have to know the limits of my role in it all. He’ll share with me some of His father’s heart so I can 1. Know Him better and get closer to Him through the process and 2. Have the equipping I need to do this (there’s no way I’d have the patience and endurance it takes without the father’s heart being imparted to me). So I must fight the temptation to feel like I’m the hero in this film. I am Robin, not Batman. Sometimes the job is just too big for me and I have to have enough wisdom, humility, and guts to step out of the way and let Batman come do His job. Jesse Duplantis explained something that fits in here. The heart of God is the Father, the face of God is Jesus, the voice of God is the Holy Spirit and the hand of God is the Church. And so apply that to this picture of me partnering with God to father a teenager. I have to remember that I’m just the hand. It’s my purpose to show the love of God in a practical way and to teach the kid how to hear the voice of God (the Holy Spirit) and to impart to him an inspiration and hunger for seeing the face of God (knowing Jesus) to the end that he could ultimately get to know the Father’s heart. The hand is just the beginning of the pursuit and revelation of God. If the hand is always trying to be in front of the kid and refuses to get out of the way and give way to the voice, face, and heart of God then the kid’s view will be blocked and he’ll have a harder time getting a revelation of God. If I tried to be the hero and bring this kid out of the mire on my own efforts then when God does finally get him out, the kid would still be giving me credit for what God did. Oh I’ll do my part and I pray like a mad man and I fast and I write letters and send emails. But I have to be ok with the fact that that’s all I can do at this point and just trust God to do His job.
August 23, 2006 – Mug me, Jesus! Take away from me the junk that holds me back.
August 21, 2006 – Yesterday was hard. I knew coming into the ministry (especially troubled youth ministry) that it would often be a thankless job and I was ok with that. But yesterday it just crossed over into an area that I had some real trouble dealing with. I’ve spent every night this week late with the kids for something or else, most of the time because of prayer with them. I’ve seen some great things happen this week and so I should expect some backfire in the spiritual. What happened was there were men putting central air and heat into the kitchen on Friday. In the process they completely trashed the kitchen. By dinner time they had sawdust and insulation all over the place – on our dishes, utensils, in our cabinets, just everywhere. Sawdust and insulation was in and on everything. There were piles of it in places. These cheap contractors were not expected to clean up after themselves. When dinner came at 5:00 I had to improvise and we quickly put together a picnic outside. It turned out nice, even to the point that I might do a picnic again sometime just for fun. We were scheduled to go to a youth conference that night and they boys had been looking forward to that. About an hour before we were to leave one of my supervisors informs me that we have to clean the kitchen and get it spotless because a big time donor is coming for Saturday breakfast in the morning. This was going to be a big job since this is a large kitchen and large dining room or mess hall. First phase 1 and their staff went after it. I worked with them since we don’t have any phase 2 right now. I was going to go to the youth conference but I was tired and had a lot I could be working on and so I stayed behind with Phase 1 while phase 3 and their staff went to the conference. I cleaned the phase 2 dorm and got the bathrooms real good since we probably have Josh and Scott moving up this week. I worked a lot on planning a trip to Fall Ramp (which by the way is coming along good and is costing a lot less on paper than I’d figured in my head – thanks in large part to a great deal at Rainbow Inn). Then when the guys got back Phase 3 was to go in with their staff and work on finishing up the dinning hall. I worked with them too. We went over the floor a second time with mop and broom since dust was still settling and insulation was still falling. We put the mats back down that Scott and I had cleaned earlier. We cleaned other things that were overlooked before and out in the open. Anyway, this is ridiculous to spend so much time dwelling on this…just to say that we worked hard and we did it twice and we got the kitchen looking completely different than it was before and I was satisfied we’d done a good job…until Sunday the staff above me who had told us to get the thing cleaned sat me down and told me how hot he was when he saw the kitchen on Saturday morning and how embarrassed he was to have these visitors for breakfast and how he spent like 4 hours cleaning the kitchen. He said he didn’t say anything on Saturday because he was too “hot”. He said he already talked to the other 2 staff who worked on the kitchen that night and they got the same lecture. He said he tries to not be unreasonable and tries to accommodate special things like me calling and asking if I could come in an hour late that day which he said was fine. Well…I really need to wrap this up and quit thinking about it, but it helps to get it off my chest; after I write this I can probably just leave it and move on lol – I know we didn’t get every inch of that kitchen, we didn’t get inside the shelves, we didn’t get all the way under cabinets and refrigerators and the 5 deep freezers. But I know I felt good about the job we did and two other staff did as well. I know I am not Service Masters or Merry Maids and I am not gifted in a cleaning ministry, but I did feel like we did a good job and I feel like it was above the call of duty as it was NOT our fault that someone scheduled a massive job done on the kitchen the same weekend they had a $40,000 donor out for breakfast. As this supervisor talked to me, the Holy Spirit was able to help me be quiet and hear him out, but the second I began to speak in my defense I began to get angry. Before I knew it I was “hot”. Just hours upon hours of thankless extra effort, extra work beyond the job description, doubles worked every Tuesday, days off spent in preparing for GSNC classes, road trips, and other work related stuff I can’t do while on duty, hours upon hours spent in unseen prayer for the Ranch, giving up my career and all to clean up after some cheap contractor with marijuana tattoos all done without earthly reward, it was all ok – until I get in trouble and someone’s telling me how “hot” they were that I didn’t perform to their expectations. And beyond that the idea that he was doing me a favor by letting me come in 1 HOUR LATE after I had on average 10 hour days that week (conservative estimate) and was to work a double the next day and I didn’t even have any phase to watch when I get there! If I had been under my old secular boss that day he’d have called me and said to take the day off or work from home or something. Anyway…I think I can stop now. So what did I learn from this? 1.) In spite of hours of prayer and reflection on this issue, I still am looking for the praise of men. It’s better, but it still hurts when someone doesn’t approve of me. 2.) I have to be satisfied with my efforts seen only by God and with my rewards coming only in the life to come. Oh there’s rewards here of course, but I can’t be looking for those for they may be way out of balance with the amount of work they are rewarding. I must look forward to the “well done” of only ONE person. 3.) I’m still capable of immaturely getting offended and heated. All of these must be fixed. The Holy Spirit has shown me and I’ll be working on it. As always the Lord took what seemed bad and turned it around for my good. I spent over an hour in prayer last night and it was such a sweet time. I just lay before Him, exhausted from my week and internal struggle from that day’s confrontation and he just ministered to me and loved on me. Such a great, great God!
As to the GOOD things that happened this week, Wednesday night I didn't work but I hear the kids went to a youth conference in Stillwell where they were invited to come minister. They gave their testimonies and did a drama. From what I hear they (especially Joe) nearly brought the house down. Then on Thursday I had a student come up to me and ask me if I would help him destroy a particular shirt of his that had a beer advertisement on it. He sincerely wanted to destroy it so I told him I'd help. It had occurred to me a while back that maybe some day we could do an idle burning time but I didn't figure it'd happen for a while, but when this student asked this favor of me I wondered if it might be time already. So I asked the students there if they thought this was a good idea, something they were ready to participate in. One student go VERY excited about it. I thought he may be joking or something...he was just too excited. I questioned him at first but he insisted he really had something he wanted to burn that he and another student had just the night before talked about was holding him back. Well that night the students wanted to go back to that youth service (it was a conference going on all week) and so we took them and they participated and enjoyed that. After altar time 3 of the guys came and asked me to help them pray for a guy in the back who had just had a major back surgery and was in a lot of pain. LOL it was like Beaumont all over again - students getting it so much they pushed me past my own comfort zone! But the last thing I was going to do was put out their fire so I agreed. Then after the service we did the burning back at the ranch. Students brought porn, cigarettes, and things they didn't physically have to burn they wrote on a piece of paper to symbolically burn and so they all participated. Then they wanted to have a little prayer/worship time in the chapel with Joe because he was leaving late that night for home because of how bad his dad's health has become. THEY organized all that and ran it. I was just there. Oh it's not all fine and dandy yet, I mean Sunday they had a kind of up and down day and they still have struggles - one minute they're in the chapel praying and later in the dorm talking about how they want to get out so they can smoke weed - but they're getting there, and getting there much quicker than I had expected.
August 16, 2006 – Some things God’s been speaking I want to get down before I forget.
And so in these ways it is right to have various expressions of worship and attitudes toward such a multifaceted God. In fact part of being balanced and solid in our relationship is to learn to relate to Him in all these ways.
By the way, why would He take that part of the knight in shinning armor that risks it all to save the life of the entrapped princess (especially since we were certainly no princess when we were lost in our sins). The Bible says He did it “for the joy set before Him”. What’s that joy?? To finally be united with his bride, and to be able to give the Father relationship with his creation, His kids.
Now as to what happened last night in chapel. First my 3 guys who went to conference were doing fairly well. Josh and Scott pushed hard during worship in chapel. However, Joe was quiet, reserved, and isolated. Something was wrong, but no indication as to what. The that afternoon he got into a little trouble and he ended up easily escalated to the point he locked himself in the bathroom hitting the walls and such. Then stuff happened with his family on his phone call that made him very upset as he found out his dad’s physical condition had worsened and now he was upset about losing his only parents, such as he is, while locked up in TC. He got worse and worse until the time for chapel. In chapel he put himself in the back of the room and shut down. I was able to get him to give me permission to ask all the students to pray with Him for his dad. When chapel started the students went after God good at the beginning. After one song on the CD I explained the concept of body ministry and bearing each others’ burdens. Then I had them go pray for Joe. They went to battle over him and then went back into worship and prayer while Paul and Jeff stayed with Joe. After some time I told them we were going to continue body ministry and that another way of doing body ministry is encouragement and exhortation. I explained that I wanted the students who went to conference to share what God has been revealing, showing them, or doing in them with the group. And I invited the rest to share anything similar that would encourage the group. Well, it went awesome! Joe was the first one up – he was ready and anxious, free from the junk that had been weighing him down only minutes before. He gave a great testimony of what God’s done on our trip. Then Scott got up and gave more that built on what Joe said. Josh went reluctantly and ended up telling a lot about what God has been doing all his life and how this last weekend has pushed that along. They told things that I didn’t even realize had been happening. Tim and June meant even more to them than I realized. And Joe even understood the strange word given to him by Tim, “You are not a dog.” This all went until 15 minutes after 9:00 and before changing the service I gave the rest of them a chance to speak but Joe got back up and started to PREACH! He talked a lot about how God can and will use people like them because of what they’ve been through. Scott tagged off that too. They were getting fired up. Mike and Jarrod gave short testimonies about what God had done in and for them over the weekend too.
Now, during the trip I had felt led to begin to invite the kids that wanted to, to join my prayer times at nights. This is like phase 2 of the move of God at TC. Phase 1 was me praying by myself at nights. On Tuesdays staff meeting I got permission for me to start praying at 9:30 and invite students to come to the chapel instead of their rooms from quiet time from 9:30 to 10:00. So I told them about this and when we had finished with the body ministry at about 9:20 last night I said we'd just move right on into the intercession time. I invited anyone who wanted to stay and get to another level of prayer to stay and anyone who had had enough could go without any condemnation. All but one stayed and we certainly did get to another level!! It was incredible. For a little bit it seemed like I was back in the youth prayer room at Cathedral on a Sunday morning! They did very well for what was possibly their first time to go to war in intercession. They all came together on their own to pray for the one who had left! They're awesome. The atmosphere and attitude on campus is changing. God is moving!
August 13, 2006 – I’m currently heading back to Morrow from taking Josh, Joe, and Scott to the youth conference in Aubrey. They were around Eddie James a lot and some around Karen and Chosen. This is the first time I’ve been able to get TC students around that anointing and it went very well. Of course the next few days will tell the tale as to how much was accomplished. They all responded very well and got into it. Joe loves the idea of being addicted to Jesus. He was the one I was most worried may not get anything out of it and as it turns out he seems to have gotten the most out of it. They can’t get enough of Eddie James now and instead of singing the trash songs they used to get in trouble for they can’t seem to get Eddie’s worship songs out of their heads ("I praise and I lift you high"). Josh keeps playing "I AM" in the car over and over. This whole thing has been such a testimony. I had pretty much given up on the conference for a while. 3 months ago I was praying that I would get to take the students God wanted to go. Then the family reconnect weekend was scheduled for the same weekend and I gave up on taking students. Then an email came out about needing all staff available for that weekend so I gave up on even me going. Then just a couple weeks ago Jennifer calls me about taking students off campus who can’t participate in the weekend. So basically she was asking me to find something to do with the students for the exact same days the conference was! I was so excited!!! And of course since Ms. Jones had sent us a couple grand a couple months ago we already had the money in spite of the ranch’s financial crunch and short notice on the trip. Also a couple weeks ago during Summer Ramp II I was watching the services at night as they broadcast them on the Internet and one night when watching a service from the office three students got all interested in it and tried to stay up late to watch. As it happened it was the same 3 students that ended up going with me. I believe this was a divine appointment for them all. It’s been a great trip.
July 26, 2006 – In this cave of Adullam it’s so isolated and lonely. The darkness swarms around me. At TC we invite such kids into our campus and into our lives who have nothing but darkness on them and in them. At TC we must stay so full of the light that the light overpowers the darkness. For a while it seems the darkness in them was dark enough to keep our light at bay. But I stand on the scripture that the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. The light of Jesus shines in and through us still. In this cave period of my life it shines also. The supply of God has been a testimony. When I should be living in poverty I find God is supplying an overflow. I have been able to buy a nice desk, a new camera since mine went out (a nice one too), and I have a new phone on the way after renewing my contract, and I’ve been able to give gifts to people, buy meals for friends, and get supplies for the Ranch with my own money, and give above my tithes to sow into ministries and charities. I can’t do such things on the salary I get – not without God. But with God all things are possible. I also see testimonies of growth in me. Since break and since clarifying God’s instructions to me at this time in my life I have been able to focus on making the most of this experience. I maximize my abundance of alone time to pursue Him and to learn. I am finding He speaks to me and uses me in chapel services. I do not worry and fret about what to say like I used to. He gives me what I need when I need it and it works out much better that way than trying to take the responsibility of preparation for a great sermon on my own strength or wisdom. My responsibility in preparation is in prayer and devos everyday – to keep my ear circumcised so I can hear when He speaks. Yesterday was one of the best days so far at TC. Randy has been having difficulties the last couple weeks – harboring bitterness against us (authority), rebellious, and wanting to go home. But yesterday not only Randy but nearly all of the students seemed more open to God. In chapel yesterday morning Andy taught a very good message and the students responded in worship and prayer better than I’ve seen them respond before. Randy even came up to Andy for personal prayer at one point. Attitudes were good all day and then that night after Randy got his phone call he says to me, “Bro Steve do you want to hear something cool? After I asked Brother Andy to pray for my mom this morning she told me she had the best day physically that she’s had in a long time. And she told me this before I even mentioned that brother Andy had prayed for her today!” Randy’s mom is very ill with some degenerative problems including back problems and so she’s in pain a lot which hurts Randy not being able to be there for her. It was obvious Randy was impressed with God’s answer to his prayers and gave Him glory for it. That afternoon I got a headache. At first I refused to take medication for it because I wanted God to heal me. But when it only got worse after a couple hours I went ahead and took some Naproxen. It didn’t help. Two hours later when I was trying to get ready for chapel it was so bad it had given me nausea and body aches…I just wanted to go home and certainly didn’t feel like doing a chapel. But as I sat there praying before the students came for chapel I realized this had been happening many times when I was supposed to do chapel…since I started doing chapels I can’t think of but maybe one chapel service that I did where I didn’t get a headache that day…and it’s not like I get them all the time. I realized it was an attack. I was encouraged because if the devil is attacking my chapels then he must be scared of what God is liable to do! I realized I had an opportunity to turn his attack back on him. When the students got to chapel I had the lights already dim and the worship CD playing. I wasn’t sure what to expect as they usually aren’t quick to get into a reverent attitude. However, after they came in a couple went to the altar without anyone even starting chapel (Randy included) and the rest got reverent. I let the worship and prayer time continue with no leadership from us for as long as they seemed to be participating. Mike even stood the entire time which is unusual. Many had spent altar time before it was done. Then I turned the music down and explained to them the attacks that had been coming on my body and what state I was in currently. I told them my plan for turning this back on the devil was to give them a chance to exercise their faith and practice ministry by praying for me. I spoke briefly about their authority as believers and about the healing power of the holy Spirit who lives inside them if they have made a serious commitment to God. I invited any who felt comfortable to come and pray for me. I think nearly all of them came and surrounded me and Joe led out. It was simple, ineloquent, and quick. But two minutes after they had prayed I had no more body aches, no more nausea, and my headache was greatly reduced. I shared this with them and I could tell they didn’t really believe it. I explained with more detail what had happened and promised I wasn’t making this up and some of them began to rejoice in the Lord for it and their faith was built. By halfway through my sermon I was totally fine. I LOVE when the devil is ruined by his own plans!! Yes, this is a hard time but I’m so glad I’m here. Ravensbruck was a hard time for Corrie Ten Boom. She suffered, she was tested, she lost people dear to her, but she grew. And when it was over she was so molded and usable that she changed the world. This is no Ravensbruck concentration camp, but what’s going on in me is similar. So thank you Jesus…even for the lice.
July 19, 2006 – Ross D is leaving today. His has finished as much of his school as he can do here and his parents think it’s time for him to come home. He’s very much not ready to come home but still seeds have been planted and I can only trust him to God now. Yesterday was a great day overall. Randy was in a terrible mood. He and Joe just want to go home and that’s all Joe could talk about and that’s all that Randy could think about. Ross leaving has given them “the fever”. Randy got bad scores in nearly every period. At the very end of the day he ripped up his score card and let loose some final complaints about the supposed unfairness of his scores and stormed to his room. He came out of his room after bedtime to ask about what discipline he was going to get so he could get started. I had to smile. I took it easy on him, of course, and I took another opportunity to talk to him man to man about his emotional issues. It went well. Ross D also surprised me last night by asking for a copy of the worship CDs we use in chapel! Apparently he wants to keep God in his life to some degree when he goes home. Today I watched a movie called “Good Morning, Miss Dove”. It’s about a lady and all the lives she’s touched as a school teacher. She never married and everyone thought what a sad and lonely life it must be to never have a husband and no kids, but in truth she led such a full life and had many, many kids. I may never see the lives I’ve touched filling the street below my bedroom window like in this movie, but I believe in heaven it’ll all be worth it when I finally get to see the cumulative fruit of my labor and sacrifices. If I don’t, it can only be because I lived only for myself on earth. Miss Dove said in the movie that as her young students come through her class and graduate she doesn’t wish them back (though I’m sure she misses them) but rather it is her mission to be sure they can make it without her. Like Jason Upton sings, “Run baby, run. My hands release you. Oh my daughter my son, run, baby, run.” I think I can do that when it’s time, when a student is ready. But the thing about TC is that so often they’re ripped from my hands long before they’re ready to run on their own.
July 17, 2006 – Last night I was at a service with Bill Piker at Trinity. He called everyone up for an anointing service and I came asking God specifically for increased anointing for ministry and better clarity and release of the gifts of the Spirit in my life and for fire to consume me. God said to me, “can I do what I want to do?” And I was like "of course!" I only asked specifically because I think He likes to be asked specifically. And He said, “even if it embarrasses you?” And I more hesitatingly but surely said “yes, whatever you want.” When the preacher got to me he said, “You’ve tried to lay it down several times…(don’t remember the rest but it was basically about laying it down for good)”. And I had my hands turned up to receive from the Lord and the preacher turned my hands over and said to turn them over (palm down) so I can’t take it back again. That’s all he said…no prayer for anointing or impartation – just lay it down, get rid of the junk. I knew what he was talking about. Just that day God had been dealing with me about the old junk again. I see how important this is (at least more than I used to). He won’t anoint me, use me more, gift me etc. until I love Him enough to lay it down for good. He won’t anoint the impure. I see TC students waiting for me to get there. I see more behind a curtain, those in the future that I’m to minister to waiting. That was my answer to a prayer for increased anointing…how many times will He say it? Can it get to a point when He won’t even tell me anymore…will I wonder what happened to my pilgrim’s progress when it stops?
July 17, 2006 – A man named Bill Picker was at Trinity Temple this Sunday. He’s a signs and wonders kind of guy and some of the stuff he said in church really hit home with what the Holy Spirit has been saying to me and what I’ve been hearing from the apostles and prophets. Here’s a few things that he confirmed:
The new one that I liked is:
July 16, 2006 – The other day I was doing a chapel for the students at TC and I talked about Jeremiah 17 about “cursed is the man who trusts in man, who makes flesh his strength…” and “blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, who’s hope is the Lord…” Of course it goes on to describe the blessing and the curse in both cases. I had them kinda study the scripture and voice what they think God is saying through that passage. Some of them got it. But one thing that occurred to me as I prepared and taught this lesson was the difference between trusting someone and trusting IN someone. God isn’t saying He doesn’t want us to trust people. There are people who are trustworthy and we should be willing to take the risk of trusting them. And just because someone is trustworthy doesn’t mean it’s not a risk to trust. EVERY human can and will let you down at times. We’re just not perfect so we can’t not ever disappoint you. However, being trustworthy means we’ll not do it intentionally or we will try our hardest to not disappoint or let you down. Now, trusting IN someone is different. More than just trusting, it has to do with putting your hope into the thing you’re trusting in or drawing your strength from it, as the scriptures said “who’s hope is the Lord” and “who makes flesh his strength”. We should never make any man or woman or anything produced from man our strength or our hope. It goes back to foundation. Where is your foundation? Is your house built on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ, or is it built on the sandy, fallible foundation of something else. I say “something else” because anything outside of a perfect God is the sand which Jesus talked about which offers a very unsatisfactory foundation and the house built on it is sure to fall. So if we’re trusting in man we will fall when the storms of life come. If we are trusting in God then He is our hope and even when everything else falls away we still have that which we have put our trust in. Every person in the world could curse us and fall away from us at one time and though it be painful, our foundation would still hold us securely up. I don’t think God curses us when we trust in man; I think He’s just explaining in this passage the natural byproduct of trusting in man is a cursed, dry, and bitter life.
July 12, 2006 – Since I don’t have kids of my own to teach me all the lessons about God that fathers get to learn through their kids, God is using other things to teach me about Him as Father and me as His son. The other day He used Selah. Selah was wonderful on our trip home. She loves staying at Charlie and Jeannine’s as well as mom and dad’s. She’s such a great dog because of her obedience. Everywhere we went people were impressed with how obedient she is and often made mention of it. It’s such a joy for me to have a dog I can be proud of because she’s so well trained and impressively obedient and I can steer her and direct her and she just does what I say. How I want to be such a joy to the Lord because of my obedience. I want the angels in heaven to remark on how impressed they are with my obedience and make Him proud.
July 10, 2006 – Such a great two week break I can’t begin to tell it all…I got to stay at Bruce’s with Lauran and Kari on Friday night. We watched a Christian scary movie and then had a nice breakfast the next morning. Then we got the horses and went on a long ride. It was wonderful…but I’m still sore from all the riding. My horse was great and listened well. Blaze was his name. That afternoon I helped Bruce around the house and other stuff and then we went to eat at the BBQ place Lauran works at. It was very good and I was hurting for a while because the portions were big. Selah got some good bones so she liked that place too. Sunday was fun. They had Keith Wheeler at Trinity Church. That afternoon I transferred to Charlie and Jeannine’s where Louise and her fiancé, Ben, were visiting. I stayed with them that night. We had a great time in the Lord after church when a couple from Trinity came over and we talked until after 11 PM about Jesus and then we prayed together before saying goodnight to them. I mowed Charlie and Jeannine’s yard this morning before I left and the drive up was great. I found out I can make it in 3 ½ hours by going the state roads instead of interstate the whole way and it’s prettier that way. I had a great talk with Brent on the way up today. He’s singing at The Witness in Hot Springs this coming Saturday night. Too bad it wasn’t a week earlier. I’m really, really hoping to get to go to the Ramp in Dallas this coming August 11 and 12. I don’t know how to get it off those days without being belligerent about it…but I need this so much and besides, if I go Lauran, Kari, Jill, and probably Marc and Mitchell and maybe Ben would go as well.
June 25, 2006 – While reading in Matthew 10:19-20 “when they deliver you up, do not worry about how or what you should speak. For it will be given you in that hour what you should speak, for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father who speaks in you,” the Spirit spoke to my heart about dealing with the kids at TC. When they get up in my face and are accusatory and mean, instead of getting angry myself and worry about what to say back, I need to relax and listen for Him. He who gave Jesus such awesome responses to accusations and tricky questions promises to give me that same wisdom if I will listen. But if I’m worried and anxious about what I will say, how can I be listening for what He would like to say?
Also, when I read verse 26, “there is nothing covered that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known,” the Lord put it in my heart to pray this verse. Pray that the secrets of the evil men in our government be exposed and their dark deeds done in secret will be made known. And pray that the hidden good deeds of the godly men He wants promoted will be brought to light until the world sees their goodness and favors them.
Mary Foresythe has prophesied over me twice now and both times she spoke something over me about dancing. This time she said a new dance (last time it was twirling on the mountains). I believe what God is saying is the battle will be won in worship. So as I get anxious for a breakthrough with the kids at TC, I need to step up my worship – dancing before God for victory over the spiritual strongholds in those kids’ lives.
I think I should record some fun things that’s happened at TC that I’ve failed to mention. First week was a doozie. My first day I thought I was going to be just meeting people and maybe watching videos and such. But a few minutes after I got there I found myself having to help with two different strip searches and then sit in with family conferences while parents dropped off their students which was a very emotionally dramatic experience. Then that weekend, my first adventure weekend, was the time that Kirby hurt his ankle 3 miles out in some very tough hiking. Then as we wrapped his ankle another kid fell and hurt his leg. I thought we were under some kind of spiritual attack and might not get out of the woods until well after dark. I even thought we could possibly have to call in a life flight or something to get the kid out of there. Then the next week I was pulling out of the driveway to take 3 or 4 kids to the emergency room to get their poison ivy treated when all the rest of the kids come running up to the van screaming about how Randy had busted his face wide open during work period and was about to die and stuff…Ended up taking a van FULL of kids to the emergency room with just me and Jeff to supervise. That was my first hospital trip with them. (and it was only Randy's nose that was cut)
June 18, 2006 - Today I was supposed to be cutting loose spiritually ALL day. But I’ve spent most of it watching movies. It’s far from over yet, though and I hear Him asking (telling) me to fast and pray until I’ve broken through tonight. As I took Selah for a walk I sensed Him reasoning with me in words such as these:
Don’t prolong this season of your life with selfish, stubborn living. I know you don’t want to be here any longer than you have to be. I don’t want you to have to be here any longer than you have to be either. I’m anxious for the things I have for you, so learn the lessons you must learn here quickly. Don’t act like you have all the time in the world. Here you must learn to fast and pray. Until you learn this you can’t move on.
I hear Him say a lot right now, “so much is at stake”. What must I do to keep this in the front of my mind? I get so distracted so easily. I should be doing the Pure Life movement’s 21 day turn off – they aren’t watching ANY television or anything for 21 days to pray for the end of pornography in America.
July 6, 2006 - During a conversation with Ms. Marty the other day I was hit by a couple ideas. First, the reality that you're typically closest to those who you're most alike. That's certainly true with me. I just gravitate toward those who are like me. I can be friends with people I'm not like, but those who are like me I count as people who I can be close friends with. Brent and I used to be so much alike. The last few years we're less alike and though we have a bond and a friendship that'll never stop, I'm actually closer now to Stephen because at this point in our lives Brent and I differ and Stephen and I are so alike. The point of all this observation of the somewhat obvious is that I want to be close to Jesus...to become closer I must become more like Him... The other thought from this conversation was on the Biblical idea of seeing through a glass dimly. Right now the carnal and physical world is so clear to us and the spiritual we get to see through a glass dimly. However, in heaven we'll see clearly in the spiritual. The thought and challenge that came to me was can we get to a point even while on this life on earth where the spiritual is more real and more clear to us than the physical world? Oh that I would get to the point in my faith that the unseen is more clear than the seen.
What an incredible visit I had back to Beaumont. The kids all welcomed me so warmly and it restored me through and through. I had lots of quality time with many and furthered many relationships and connections.
June 19, 2006 - Isn't it strange that in Proverbs 17:6 the father (or parents) is the glory of the kids, instead of the kids being the glory of the parents? Parents are the ones who usually carry the pictures of their kids and brag about them and take such pride in them. But the Bible says it's the parents who are the pride of the kids...All the more it makes sense how a kid suffers when he has no parents or parents who no one could be proud of.
In Luke 2:51 we see Jesus submitting to his parents even though He knew He understood stuff they would never understand. He submitted to godly authority. He even paid His taxes.
June 18, 2006 - What a crazy day at work today. But what a growing experience too. I heard God telling me in my ear what to do at various points in dealing with an escalated student. Yesterday was Father's Day. I of course called my dad and sent him a gift and a card and all that, but I kinda melted when I heard the music guy at church pray and tell God happy Father's Day. I told Him then that I wanted to spend the whole day with Him. That was a really cool experience. I didn't have to lock myself away in my room for it to work...I went about my day and kept Him a part of everything I did - from watching a movie, to eating, to entertaining guests that night...it was so cool and I want to always be like that.
June 16, 2006 - Sandie Freed records this interesting and awesome vision the Lord gave her:
The Vision of the Chariot
While in worship one morning, the Lord gave me a vision of God in His chariot.
His golden chariot hurled from the Heavenlies towards the earth. It was clear He
had a pathway planned, and His chariot was directed toward that destiny upon the
earth. Suddenly a pathway appeared upon the earth, yet it was unpaved. (It was
similar to an airplane pilot spotting the runway...suddenly the runway appears
and the plane can be landed.) As the chariot approached the determined pathway,
a long line of apostles appeared along each side of the path. It became even
clearer that they lined the edges of the path providing the chariot's "runway."
As the chariot approached its pathway, the apostles and prophets began to fall
down upon the path. THEY became the path for the chariot of glory to follow. In
other words, they became the ROAD on which the chariot would ride.
It became more evident that glory would come because these apostles and prophets laid down their lives and they were truly the FOUNDATION (like foundation stones) upon which the Lord would reveal His glory!
The apostles
and prophets truly became the road--the highway of holiness upon which God's
glory would travel upon the earth. As they fell prostrate before the Lord, their
bodies filled in all the chug holes, crevices and rough spots, so that the
chariot could move smoothly and freely without any obstacles hindering its
destiny.
How significant that we must pave the way for the coming of the Lord with our
own selves.
Yesterday I was reading in 2 Samuel about when David brought the ark to Jerusalem after it had spent a few months at Obed-Edom's house. The worship and sacrifice that accompanied that journey was extreme. One thing I got from this section was how that after spending this time in God's presence (the ark symbolizes God's presence) and in worship (he danced and sang and all the instruments playing) and in prayer (sacrificing animals every 6 steps) the first thing he did once he got back home was to feed everyone: "And when David had finished offering burnt offerings and peace offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts. Then he distributed among all the people...a loaf of bread, a piece of meat, and a cake of raisins." When we've been in God's presence and when we've broken through in prayer, fasting, and worship we then have a responsibility to go and feed the people! But likewise how can we expect to ever be able to feed the people until we've first gone up Mt. God to get the food He has for them? When we feed them without getting God's food, we give them our own leftovers - old revelations left over from last week or last year or sometimes even many years ago. Revelations that are no longer relevant to what God is doing and saying today.
June 8, 2006 - I had a student kinda blow up on me this morning...he's easily escalated and this morning he wasn't working during work period and I kept having to get onto him. Finally he just started getting escalated and I had to hand him off to Darren. Darren wasn't even able to really get him totally fine again. He's sitting in PSNC with me right now so maybe he'll be ok. He's working on his discipline so that's good. The last time he did this it took a whole week of him having to be restrained a lot and confined to the quiet room for days and nothing but peanut butter sandwiches and water. Even then it took calling his parents before he'd really get himself together. Once he realized no one (not even the parents) were going to bow to his temper he had no choice but to straighten up. Sometimes these kids have been used to running all over their parents and it takes them getting used to the fact that they're not going to able to manipulate us and then they can begin to learn real discipline.
I've not been giving all I can give to God. He wants more and I want to give more... Tomorrow I have the day off and probably no one around at the house...Here I go, in Jesus' Name!! There's so much at stake right now!
Elijah and I stumbled across a really cool revelation about God the other day. Eli was reading from Matthew that Jesus said, "He who is not with me is against me." (Matthew 12:30). When he mentioned that I immediately thought of the scripture in Mark 9 where the disciples say they saw a man driving out demons in His name and how they told him to stop because he was not one of them. Jesus said in that instance to not stop him because "whoever is not against us is for us." So in one place he's saying "if you're not for me then you're against me" and in another place He's saying "if you're not against me then you're for me". But in my mind I'm thinking about those who try to not make a declaration of for or against, those who try to take a noncommittal, neutral position. Because in Matthew Jesus says those people are against him and in Mark He says those people are for him...so which is it? They can't both be true and yet Jesus doesn't lie. I came to this awesome conclusion that the ONLY way both of those statements can be true is if THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.
June 7, 2006 - This is crazy awesome! This morning while I was before God in prayer He spoke a new revelation about the mantle of Elijah. I've studied and read this story so many times that I thought I had gotten everything you can get from it. Today for the first time I realized that Elijah's ascension is symbolic to Jesus's ascension, and that just like Elijah dropped his mantle for Elisha to pick up and carry, Jesus dropped the mantle of His own anointing for His disciples to carry - the Holy Spirit. This mantle has been passed down from generation to generation, but unfortunately it's only been a few greats who have taken it up and used it like Elisha picked up and used Elijah's mantle. These were men like Finney, Smith Wigglesworth, Benny Hinn, etc. But I believe God is waiting for that whole generation who will take up the mantle and be the bride He's wanted. I was excited about that and made a voice note about this while on the way into town to go to the coffee shop. Once I got there I got online and decided to try and get through some old email that I've let sit on the back burner. The first one I came to was an email from Charity that pointed to a link online with an article by some guy named Matt Sorger called "Picking up the revival mantle". It's about taking up the mantle left by the Welsch Revival. IN this article he articulates everything I just said about what God gave me this morning (about 3 hours earlier). It's sooo incredible when God confirms stuff like this..but now I have to figure out why this is so important and how I can apply this to my life and prayers. Ah...I just felt a stirring that I'm to share this next Tuesday at the ministers prayer time.
The only thing I couldn't quit bring myself to believe this morning before I read the article was the part about the double portion...in the Elijah foreshadowing, there was a double portion handed down, but how can we have a double portion of what was on Jesus??? Didn't He have the FULLNESS of the Spirit so how can you double that? Even though I thought about how that would explain why Jesus said "greater things than these will you do" I still just couldn't accept that I could ask for or receive a double portion of what was on Jesus. This article goes into that very topic. Since Jesus was the firstborn He was entitled to the double portion. But Jesus makes us joint heirs with God and he says "what I have I give to you". He invites us to share in His double portion inheritance! Still this sounds like we get the same portion which Jesus got (a double portion) but my spirit and the author in this article (which was sent as confirmation) insist that we get a double portion of what's on Jesus, but my mind can't quit figure out how that works... Perhaps since Jesus is like a spiritual Father, who came brought us all into the Kingdom that we the double portion of His Spirit...certainly He fits the example of the Old Testament of the Spiritual Father/Mentor (Elijah) who ascended and dropped down his double portion to his son (Elisha).
June 6, 2006 – I’ve become to used to God. I was reading some old letters I wrote during my freshman year in college and I am blown away at how much more fascinated I was with Him back then… Oh I love Him and all, but compared to that attitude I used to have it seems I’m as used to Him as an old married couple gets used to each other and they lose the intrigue they used to have for each other. I want to come home again at the end of the day and march straight into my prayer closet like I used to do.
Things are well at the Ranch. I’ve had more good moments with them than bad moments lately. The missions team leaves in the morning for 2 weeks and I’ll be by myself a lot with the remaining 4 phase 2 students and with the 2 phase 1 students. That should be fine...I started to say “I can certainly manage 4 students” but I dare not allow such self-reliance to escape from me. I know that even with these 4 and 2 I will need Him.
June 4, 2006 - Today during the closing song at church I had my eyes closed and this image of a face with the skin cracking off of the right chin and jaw came to me out of nowhere. The face was bearded and the whole big chunk of the face just fell right off like a big piece of dried cracked paint - beard, skin and all. It was so random I thought perhaps it was from God and so I said, "God what is that?!" He simply said, "I'm ripping the face off the church." As I prayed and listened more about this, I understood that like the church in Jesus day was called "white washed tombs" our modern day church has put a lot of effort into external appearances to make sure the world is impressed and happy with them. But unfortunately 1 Samuel 16:7 says, "God doesn't see as man sees for man looks on the outward appearance but God looks at the heart." God has not been impressed with our efforts at an external appearance of good works. He's looking at the heart. I believe what He was saying this morning is He's about to rip that facade off the church and we can't hide behind it anymore. Everyone will then know who is right with God and who's not, who's on fire for Jesus and who's not, who is active and who is passive...My three days of fasting didn't go as well as it should have. I fasted but only one or two meals each day. What great dreams and hopes I have of accomplishing much in the Kingdom but what little discipline I have. Thank God for Elijah and others like him who challenge a dad to keep up with their youthful zeal and vigor.
May 21, 2006 – That one kid left today without graduating. It was almost like a funeral… I had a GREAT time playing dominos with Justin, Jarrod, and Brandon. I didn’t want to leave when my shift was up. But I’m glad I did because something cool happened tonight as well. Kody and I ended up at the little Assembly of God church in Prairie Grove…it was a story about how we got there but I don’t have the will to type it out. Basically he wanted to try a different kind of church and we ended up going to the A/G church anyway. I went in there with a bad attitude thinking it’d be another boring dead country church with old people who don’t want to change. But I was so excited to find a pastor a few faithful who are serious about God and are hearing the Holy Spirit’s challenge to the church today and responding. I’m going to pray with this pastor and the spirit filled Methodist minister that prays with him on Tuesday mornings!
May 20, 2006 – Hmm… a great quote from “No More Christian Nice Guy” by Paul Coughlin: “Abandonment deals a young boy’s heart one of the deepest wounds imaginable; he will most likely come to believe is his unworthy to receive love and affection.” Then two pages later, “Abused people believe that something is deeply wrong with them, not because they are sinners, but because they are defective. They become ashamed of themselves as humans, not because they fail, but because they exist.” This is so insightful for me because I don’t feel abandoned, never have, so I don’t understand how those people feel. But this makes sense. And since we have a whole generation that mostly has been abandoned this feeling of not being worthy to be loved and cared for must be pretty intense in our world. I had just read that this afternoon when I talked to one of my boys back home who is pretty messed up. He had just bottomed out and got down for about a month or more recently and I didn’t know it. I asked why he didn’t call when he bottomed out and he said he doesn’t like to talk to people when he’s like that. I said, “But that’s what I’m here for. Don’t you know you deserve to be loved and cared for when you bottom out?” and his reply was simple, “no, I didn’t know that.” Wow.
Yesterday I had my biggest blow up with a kid yet. He was so mad at me because it got back around to him that I said something in staff meeting about how I’ve seen him be two faced and act one way in front of staff and then turn and say something snide to another student as soon as the staff had left the room. Well he had apparently allowed resentment to build up since he found this out and when he couldn’t stand it anymore he unleashed a verbal lashing at me. I’m afraid I didn’t handle it as well as I could have…I was pretty defensive and got a little escalated myself. But it could have been much worse. The worst was how I let it get to me the rest of the day and even this morning. I’ve heard from other staff that he’s a manipulator and I see how he’s trying to manipulate me. If he can whip me now he won’t have to worry about me standing up to him later or being a future threat to his real self being disclosed. Not sure how to handle it. I was going to try and talk to him but as it turns out his guardians are taking him out of the program this weekend since he has fulfilled all his commitments. I won’t pronounce a death sentence on him because I know God can work wonders, but that’s what it will be if he does stay clean and out of trouble – a miracle of the grace of God.
May 17, 2006 – It’s official. I’m an Arky. I got my drivers license, voter’s registration and new (pro life) license plates yesterday! Texas will probably never take me back now, but so is the price of the ministry. The ministry…wow…this is the most challenging and yet rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s crazy trying to bring these guys around and constantly having to put up with their…troubledness. But when those little breakthroughs or significant divine appointments come they’re sooo worth it! I had one young man, one of my favorites so far, wrote down on a handout at chapel service a question something like this: “If a person has already seen it all, knows the Bible, knows the religion and all that and still doesn’t want God, how does he get a hunger for God?” Oooh you know I jumped on that!! I talked with him a long time in his room about the Holy Spirit and such. I think I was able to help him develop a hunger for God and a better understanding of the Holy Spirit, and I also discovered something that is hanging him up in his spiritual growth. One thing I like about this kid is how real and honest he is. He’s very, very raw in his honesty and confrontation. I told him how I appreciate that about him and to not stop being man enough to be like that even though the church may not like it as he grows into his Christianity. However, as honest as he is with everyone else he has a hard time being that way with God. He feels like God is so high above and mighty that how can little ol’ him be so confrontationally honest and real with God? And so he tries to maintain a religious piousness in his prayers that it all seems fake and unreal to him. This is congruous with his background in Catholicism. We had some dialog about this issue and I gave him a scripture in Hebrews 4 about coming to God boldly. We also talked about listening to the HS and obeying him. He was very receptive to our conversation. However, last night we had an awesome chapel service and at the end we had worship and prayer. This kid stood there rigidly. I knew in my spirit the HS was talking to him, telling him to do something, but he didn’t do it. I don’t know if it was to kneel at the altar, raise his hands in worship, sing, pray, pray with me or Brandon, or something else, but whatever it was he felt too uncomfortable and left as soon as we let him. I believe he’ll get there, he’s definitely hearing Him, feeling Him, and aware of Him, and I believe he’s hungry for Him whether he knows it or not. I let him borrow a copy of Welcome Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn. I asked him to read the first chapter in which Benny explains his first encounters with the Holy Spirit. I believe that will increase hunger in him and hopefully build his faith to believe for his own relationship with Him. I’ve built relationship with others too. This is becoming more and more fun. Last night after working about 11 hours I didn’t want to leave…I didn’t even want the kids to go to bed! LOL I wanted to hang out more. I can’t wait for God to break through in them and I can have an army again to work with. And oh how incredible if I could begin travel ministry with them – to take my army on the road and wake up some sleepy churches!!
I’m looking at buying a house here. I’m cramped at Andy’s and I’d like to have a place of my own to invest into. The market here is booming with the population growth and so for the next 3 – 5 years I think it’s a great area to invest realty into. Ministry back home is continuing with one spiritual son who is growing well! I’m so proud of him. Others are staying in contact and I’m so thankful for that! Breakthrough came when I discovered and helped him discover how that not only does he see others in black and white but also himself. So that if he messes up he sees himself as black or evil or like the salvation thing didn’t work for him. Once I explained how that it’s ok to mess up and actually inevitable and how my own Christianity was on such a shaky ground, he seemed to be encouraged to go after it again and he’s been really into the Word lately so this is great for him – even getting his own revelations. I’ve not talked to my wayward son in over two weeks. I’m not sure what to think of that…I don’t want to lose the relationship I have with him, but I don’t think I have the right any more to call him all the time…ha as opposed to Garrett who I talk to almost every night! Well, I’m still praying for him and I’ll keeping contact, but I can’t force God to do anything (God spoke about that this morning) and obviously I can’t make him stay in contact so I just have to be willing to let go and let what happens happen. If God continues to use me in his life I’m more than willing.
Isolation continues to be a splinter in the back of my mind which irritates me here. But it’s also good. My times with God have been much better and more frequent. I’m learning a lot from Him and the prejudices others have in the past put on me seem to be disappearing. As a matter of fact I’m able to get to Him through some types of music that before I used to mock because of the prejudice of other Christians around me. How silly to let them make me shallow.
May 13, 2006 – God seems to be speaking again about the problem of a loss of identity in this fatherless generation. Part of the responsibility of the father is to give us an identity (another is to discipline and so we have a generation lacking in discipline and that can’t receive discipline well, but maybe He’ll speak on that later). Peter’s real name was Simon and at one point Jesus called him Simon Bar Jonah which is Simon son of Jonah. It’s almost like the very name of the person, a title. It’s all over the Bible: the seven sons of Shiva, Jesus son of God, James and John – sons of thunder, and many, many more examples of someone being identified by who they are a son of, never the mother though. It seems the mother is the nourisher. From the zygote stage the developing child is feeding off his mother and continues throughout life until adulthood to be nourished by her – at first just physically and later emotionally. But the father brings the identity. Throughout life the child will largely take on the father’s political views, religious opinions, mannerisms, character traits, and values. Some may even take their dad’s goals and business or trade. The father speaks into his son’s life certain beliefs about himself such as “can I succeed in this world”, “what is my purpose”, “where should I set the ceiling on my life or what are my limits”. This is of course in the most ideal situation. Unfortunately we have now plenty of sons whose fathers were absent. What now of their identity? Did they get a false identity from their moms? Is that why so many pansy men walk around, because they were known as the son of Janet or the son of Laura and so the mom, doing her best as a single mom (or as the dominate figure in a household where a father paralyzed by insecurities or maybe his own lack of identity left the man’s role vacant) gave her son her own identity? Or did these fatherless sons never receive an identity? Are they walking around trying to “find themselves” in ways far beyond the normal process of a teenager’s pursuit of autonomy? Could this be the reason one of my spiritual sons seems to go from persona to persona, from gothic to punk to emo to cowboy to revolutionary Christian to giving up? What a desert experience of confusion and frustration it must be to not know who you really are under all the makeup, cowboy boots, and piercings, and cross tattoos. Will the real son of ______ please stand up? But how can they when that blank is left in their lives? And so the definite answer comes that the only hope for a generation of identity theft victims is to know their Father (with a capital F). We may never know who we are in the world’s eyes but we can know who we are in the Kingdom, where it really counts. I am Stephen, son of God, brother of Jesus, and inheritor of the promised Holy Spirit. As this generation of the fatherless begins to know their heavenly Father’s heart they will find His identity for them. He will give them a calling and He says he has a new name for each of us. To find that name, that new identity is the answer for this generation’s fatherless issue. What man has screwed up on God can mend up. And so my call is to this generation, to help them find God their Father, and to teach them to know His heart and to hear what He says. For what He says is final and it supersedes the silence left by a vacant father or the tortuous words of a bad father. Another part of a father’s responsibility is to name his child. I’m listening for my new name from my Heavenly Father and so is a whole generation longing for His gift of identity.
May 12, 2006 – This week has been good. I worked a lot! I taught my first Group Studies for New Christians class and it happened to be on Spiritual Power and the Supernatural…one of my favorite subjects. I had fun teaching it and I think the guys enjoyed it, at least more than they normally enjoy the GSNC classes. Jennifer sat in on my first day’s class at my request and she said I did really well. Matter of fact her husband told me later that she said I was probably the best teacher on campus now! That makes a man feel good. I think all my boys will pass if I can just get my mentally slow one to do a little more extra credit and memorize his verses. I took my first trip to the hospital with boys today. We were going to take just the 3 phase 1 kids because of their persistent poison ivy but just as we were about to pull out of the ranch some of the other boys came running up to us yelling about how one of the others had split his nose wide open during work period. Sure enough, he had a huge gash in his nose and so we added a 4th for the trip to the hospital…crazy times…. I love these guys, but…I really miss my kids back home. I miss the level of bonding I had with them.
May 8, 2006 - Am I ready to be the answer to my own prayers? This has come up twice this week from two different sources so this is probably something else God is talking to me about right now. So for example, if I'm praying for the poor and homeless am I willing the be the one to take in a homeless guy to develop a relationship with a poor family? If I'm praying for the end of abortion am I willing to volunteer at an adoption agency? If I'm praying for Christian Revolution in Northwest Arkansas am I willing to wear out ministering to this area?
May 7, 2006 – Today has been somewhat difficult for me with the strongest round of homesickness I’ve had yet. And it’s not miserably bad or anything, I just miss my kids mostly and not wanting to let go of the past still. I can’t wait to go see everyone at summer break! I went to the Christian Church here in Prairie Grove today. I LIKE it! I actually felt at home there and felt His presence a lot. So now I have to decide if this is God’s will for sure that I make it my home church because it presents some challenges that will have to be worked out, mainly the fact that my credentials and my ministry are both AG which doesn’t really recognize this church, being a non spirit-filled church and all. I can’t bring the kids there on Sundays that I work. But looking at their statement of beliefs and the spirit behind the church I like the way they think. They are determined to be focused on the doctrines that are clearly spelled out in the Word and leave room for everyone to make their own decision on lesser doctrines. That’s so cool, but I don’t know why they don’t believe in the modern day working of the baptism of the Holy Spirit as it seems very clear to me that the Word is clear on that issue. I’ll keep going for a while and see if I still feel at home there in a few weeks and maybe at that time talk with the pastor. They also have a group of about 50 – 75 youth which is another reason I’d like to be there. They just hired a new youth pastor and he’s starting in a few weeks. Hmm…the beginning of something new? Getting in on the ground floor of a new movement again? Sounds like fun.
This weekend Justin and Keith and I took 4 of the guys out hiking and camping out past the Buffalo around the Richland Creek area. VERY nice area. But we had to go so far down a rough dirt/mud road to get there. I’d never suggest doing that again in the van with the trailer in the rain! It was a great hike from our campground to the Richland falls but on the way back (we had just gotten about 10 steps) one of our Phase One kids who had had a very bad attitude since he came to the program on Monday twisted his ankle on some slippery rocks. As we were still wrapping up his ankle, Keith’s 11 year old fell on some slippery rocks and also hurt himself bad enough that he was limping pretty bad. So it took a WHILE to get out with two limping hikers and going through some pretty difficult areas in the rain. All in all it was a good experience and I feel like God is using the unfortunate things to the good of those who love Him and to those we are praying for. As a matter of fact the hurt phase one kid's attitude has been so much better ever since he got hurt...so strange but cool!
May 1, 2006 – So yeah, today was a little harder than I expected. I planned to be watching videos all day my first day. I did watch a video of how to restrain a kid and protect yourself in a violent situation. But mostly I was helping with two new intakes. That was more than I had bargained for. I had not counted on
Other than the emotional turmoil of the day it was a great first day. Phase one kids seem really great. We have 3 now since the new guy came in. The program director and I are taking Phase one camping this weekend. I’m looking very much forward to that. I’ve been wanting to go camping and hiking of course and this will also allow me time to really connect with these guys.
Other than that, things are ok. I’ve experienced some problems getting to God in prayer. Seems sleepiness has been attacking me each time I try to pray. And the prayer time is somewhat dry which is surprising because I thought He’d show up easily now that I’m needing Him so much! But He’s making me press in for it already. And so I will. I will meet the challenge…I have to. Also, loneliness creeps up a little sometimes. I miss my kids, I miss my church, and I miss my friends. But loneliness is nothing new. It’s only significant this time because of … well it’s not significant at all come to think of it J
April 29, 2006 – Took Stephen to the airport EARLY this morning (got up at 2AM). It was raining cats and dogs but it was a good time. He wouldn’t take money for this trip. He gave me 2 ½ days to bless me and help me transition AWAY from him. That’s a true friend. I’m eating a can of pork and beans and getting ready to go hiking. My first trip! I’m going to go to Lake Weddington. God is definitely speaking about signet rings of authority. When I spoke to Mom’s lady’s group about the Kingdom of God I talked about Kingdom authority – how that the King will find those who have been faithful in what’s less and promote them to more and give them a new level of authority. He puts his signet ring of authority on their fingers which means what they say is as good as if the King himself had said it. If they say “demon, go” it’s as good as the King himself saying “demon, go”. And so we have a whole generation of Christians who don’t know how to use the ring on their fingers. And yet I don’t believe all Christians have this ring. I believe that as Jesus said, we have to be faithful first. So since I spoke about this signet ring thing I have been thinking about it more and it’s been coming up. It came up when I was praying for people and I’d pray about that over them. It’s come up on this trip and I nearly mentioned to Stephen about the idea of the signet ring and didn’t a few times on the trip until this morning he brought it up himself! So the Lord had apparently spoken that to him too. And then on the way back from Tulsa I was listening to at teaching on the Kingdom and the lady shared a vision she had where she had to go through the “intimacy room” and the “weeping room” (where she felt His heart over things like aids or the cries of the saints or the poor) and before He would let her into the “strategy room”. When He let her into the strategy room He put a signet ring on her finger and poured anointing on her head and said she was being promoted and given authority! Wow… Yeah, I’d say He’s speaking to me about rings and authority and advancing to a new level. I must be faithful to the weeping room though or I will end up coming to the strategy room just to build my own Kingdom. Speaking of Kingdoms, the same woman also shared another interesting thought. The bible says “the gospel of the Kingdom will be preached” before Jesus comes. We’ve been preaching many gospels but we’ve not been sharing about the Kingdom for a long time…until now! All this renewal of Kingdom teaching and Kingdom theology is all part of preparing the way for the coming of Christ! YESS!!! I love it!
April 28, 2006 – My last night in Beaumont was a crazy one. I preached at MYM and told the kids goodbye. I prayed with many of them personally and there were many tears and hugs. It’s amazing how much my heart has become knit to them. Yesterday morning when I pulled out I cried all the way from Beaumont to Kirbyville. It was horrible. I felt like as if I must be insane to leave. But many of the kids called and text messaged me yesterday and that was such a blessing! I’ve got to find a way to connect to the Internet! The area here is very beautiful and so far I’m loving it and Selah is having the time of her life here. The new roommates are very cool. They cooked us pork chop steaks and rice last night which we ate outside around the campfire. Stephen preached at the TC chapel this morning and he really did a great job! He preached about climbing the mountain, getting to God instead of waiting around hoping He shows up here. I think I need to explain my vision for them and their generation at my first sermon, build their vision for their futures and explain how they have to get to God for that to come to pass and how to get to God. I miss my kids a little already. I really miss Elijah because he is estranged from me in more ways than just geographic. I pray he’s doing good.
April 24, 2006 - So nice to be done with West. After leaving the place 1500 times (I figured it up) I finally left it for the last time. Something God checked my spirit about just now that I should keep in mind throughout my career at TC - I must not let myself get caught in a me against my administration mentality. I must know and remember they're pouring into me, investing into me and so they're not against me...even though at times it might seem like I am fighting them. We just have to get on the same page.
April 22, 2006 - As Bennett and I prayed over our estranged brother I prayed, "God show him how empty it is to live for yourself." He said, "I am". So I have another promise from God that this will be turned around to benefit him. Not that God is the author of any falling away, but that He is and will again turn the enemy's junk back on him and use it to teach and benefit the one the enemy attacked. I prayed over Bennett too after we'd prayed a while. God's been putting it heavily on my heart to not just live the life in front of them, not just revelate with them, but part of spiritual fathering is to pray over them....lay hands on them and speak into their lives authoritatively. I so wish I had been doing this the last 5 months. But I'll do it now.
April 18, 2006 - So Jesus is both prophet (represents God to the people) and priest (represents the people to God). So now His primary responsibility seems to be that of priest as he ever lives to make intercession at the right hand of the father. And what a perfect priest He is being that He is in such a position and that He is sinless and yet sympathetic to our infirmities and iniquities (weaknesses and tendencies toward sin). And we today ministers are prophets, representing the Lord to the people, distributing the Word of God and the Love of God. But what about priests? I hear it said that we're all priests but with Jesus as priest I don't see how it's needed that we represent man to God. And with Jesus interceding on our behalf why is it necessary for us to seemingly duplicate His work? I know intercession is valid as I have experienced Him come upon me and bring intercession heavy on me personally many times. I'm just trying to understand why it's necessary theologically. Am I too a priest and not just prophet?
April 17, 2006 - So Pastor Earl Creps spoke at Cathedral today and I got to go to lunch with him and Janet. It was very nice to catch up with them after all these years! I have a standing invite to stay with them when I come to Springfield so that's really cool especially since I'll be living only 3 hours from Springfield soon. His sermon this morning was very cool about the fools on the road to Emmaus and how that being that they were leaving Jerusalem made it obvious they didn't really believe the reports of Jesus' resurrection or they wouldn't have left the city where He was. Instead they were on the road to nowhere ("the best biblical archaeologists can't find Emmaus). Instead of chasing them down and forcing them back like a cult leader or just writing them off like a heartless leader, Jesus joins them on their journey and just spends some time with them. In the process He blows their minds and the dissenters end up coming back to Jerusalem proclaiming the risen Christ! Pastor Creps made this statement, "No matter how far down the road you stray He wills till come after you and His arms stretch that much farther. The more dirty you get the better He is at cleaning you up." I needed to hear that for it encouraged my heart toward my son. I know I got pretty stinking dirty!! And His blood availed for me. I awoke one day and my dungeon flamed with His light and so will his. Pastor also said, "The darker your life becomes the brighter His light will shine."
April 15, 2006 - How deep His wells are! As I'm currently in the middle of His presence and as He just keeps speaking and speaking I have to write some of this do